When A Relationship Ends

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The OfficeI just finished watching the finale episode of the Office. If you guys don’t know the show, I strongly suggest you to watch it. It is a fantastic documentary-style comedy TV series that makes you laugh as much as it makes you fall in love with the realism of the characters and their stories. If you have ever grown to love a tv series and its characters, you probably know that watching a finale can create heart-warming feelings of nostalgia. I actually felt proud of the makers of this wonderful series, proud of all of the actors that have made the show feel so real, and all I could think of was “well done.” I felt grateful for all the participants of this creation to have put together all of their talent, skill and passion for us all to enjoy and remember.

I could keep going about this series but that’s not entirely the point I aim to make with this blog. After the show was over, the good-feeling, gratitude and nostalgia that I felt merged with the heavier feeling of nostalgia that I was feeling about a current ending that I have experienced recently: the ending of a relationship.

We were best friends, we went through a lot together. Drama, laughs, cries, craziness, confusion, weirdness, fun, unconditional love… to the point were we became like family. It definitely wasn’t the typical “romantic” relationship with all the passion and role-playing, but I’m sure you guys know this isn’t really meant to be a constant anyways. Wasn’t perfect, but it was the perfect recipe for growth in many ways – and our separation continues to make me grow.

But the point of this blog isn’t to attempt to describe the way our relationship has been and how it has ended either. After watching the finale of the show, something “clicked” within me that has lifted a weight over my heart. As much as an on-screen story cannot really compare to how we feel about loved ones (and please don’t take this comparison seriously) something has pushed me to use the lighthearted nostalgia I felt at the end of the show as a metaphor for the wonderful memories of my past relationship. Sure, my feelings about my past relationship weren’t so light hearted. They included resistance to my emotions, tension in my heart, fears of further loss and a feeling like I had to walk on eggshells. My response to the ending of the series however, was loving and compassionate, grateful for the experience and with a pleasant overview of the bigger picture: it was an awesome experience.

And so I asked myself: why should the two reactions be different? Why should one be such a struggle while the other is simply appreciative? Sure, one is a real-life story and the other is not, but taking the comparison literally isn’t my point. Considering the fact that both have been a wonderful experience in their own respective way, I feel that resisting or resenting the end of a relationship is not that different from resenting the end of a wonderful movie with a valuable lesson, or the cast for moving on to other projects. Of course, going through intensities after the breakup was a part of my learning experience – a part of my story. I have grown through it and discovered a lot about myself; unresolved issues and losses from the past, fears and perceptions of love etc. But today, as I felt feelings of nostalgia, I noticed I was making it heavier for myself. It was a nostalgia tainted by resistance and fear, twisting reality by solely focusing on and aggravating the loss.

AppreciationBut you know what? The truth is that in my heart, I feel nothing but love for all that was, and now more than ever for what is. Beyond the mind’s experience of loss and missing, there is only love and openness. Similar to how it feels to honor a cast for having put together such a brilliant story that has engaged me till the end, I do feel the same way deep down about my past relationship, about the two awesome “co-stars” we were to this chapter of our lives. We have been programmed to associate a parting of the ways with so much negativity, hatred, devastation and the belief that it is an end to love… that we forget it is just a transformation of roles.

“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.” – Dr. Seuss

If anyone reading this is going through some form of loss, I know how challenging it can be. Strangely, this breakup has brought me as deep as reflecting on and experiencing emotions of deep loss and grieving related to death. But no matter what loss is experienced, what I have learned is that to find the love in it quicker, we need to give up resisting the process. Grieve, cry, love, hurt… but don’t make yourself harden by it (like I’ve done several times), let yourself soften by it. Don’t just think of the love that was, feel the love that is. See what is left after all resistance and resentment is gone… You may find that it isn’t what happens that causes so much suffering, it’s what we say to ourselves about what happens. 

I know the end of a TV series can seem like a ridiculous comparison, but think about it: how would 2 cast members from a series that no longer airs react if they saw each other again? Would the connection and love be any less? Would the memories become an awkward subject? Of course not! Now maybe some drama or mind stories still interfere between some exes and that’s alright, but I can assure you that in our natural state, seeing an old friend you’ve once had an intimate relationship would be a wonderful, drama-free and love-filled experience. No hard feelings or walking on eggshells. Same goes if a loved one is no longer in physical form. The form may no longer be accessible but the powerful connection and love between souls is still there. True love does not end.

“There is no such thing as a “break up”, relationships transform, that’s all. Breaking up is just a structure in the mind crumbling away, a story being shattered. And so when two people part ways, if they have held onto the idea of structure, it will feel like something is breaking. When your relationships are not surrounded by your labels and ideas about it… what is there to break? Relationships transform, but love and connection is never broken.”

Instead of dwelling solely on the perspective of loss, I now chose to let myself feel it as it comes but also keep this higher, more loving and allowing perspective. It represents a lot more of how I truly feel, as opposed to when I over-think and define change. Right now, I feel love. Love for what I am learning, love for myself, love for him, love for the memories, love for now, love for what is to come, love for life. It is actually quite exciting to step into a new chapter of my life, and I am looking forward to all the new “co-stars” I might meet. I know nothing real can really be lost; only the form in which love appears changes. Remember, we’re all “actors” here. We all play roles, we’re all playmates. It is helpful to remember this, drop our masks once in a while and look into our soul… we will find that our soul is the same essence that dwells in everyone else. 

“In every moment of our lives, there seems to be two different versions of reality taking place. One, is the surface reality and it is where who you think yourself to be exists as the main character in the movie of your life. It is in this surface reality where you interact with the other characters, make choices, and advance your storyline. Deeper than this surface reality, yet always existing within it, remains a spiritual reality. This reality remains peaceful and unmoved by the actions and reactions of the surface reality. It views the characters in the surface reality as various messengers delivering the wisdom of the spiritual reality, so the characters can learn exactly what each has been brought to learn in every scene of life’s vivid movie. It is from this spiritual reality where one might imagine the soul resides, with one’s lifetime serving as an interactive way for the soul to impart its wisdom to a world of characters. The characters we think we are deliver soul wisdom and create experiences for one another, and reap the rewards by becoming more conscious. To become more conscious, is to realize what you are, underneath the surface of form, and beyond all thoughts and ideas.” – Matt Kahn

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  1. waltinseattle

    because relationship is visceral 24/7 mind body soul emersion. ans shows are …t.v. shows. we watch we think but we know the routine. “to be continued. tune in next week same time…”

    the relation is not like that. next week, even tomorrow are not promised by a benevolent universe. even in good times we know how reality can bite. there are no stand ins, no alt script writers. relationships are NOW. they are all our senses and the memory resides as deep as our dna …down into our being. into our life narative. our muscle memory, scent memory, our identity and purpose.

    if t.v. comes close to that, get professional help at once

  2. Peter Freeman

    A beautiful story of a relationship passing. Thank you.

  3. HB

    I understand what you’re saying with this article. but the end of a relationship is very different than the end of a tv show you’ve watched. Difference is, you weren’t in love with someone who is alive,(it’s a show on tv) and secondly, you can always watch the whole tv show again, and feel the same again, and see the same again. With the end of a relationship, you can’t ever feel, see or be with them again in that way, yes you can think about all the nice times you’ve had and then you realise it’s over and you’ll never have those times again. It is a very big difference between the two. You’re right in saying the end of a relationship doesnt have to end in hate, it can end in a good way. But you would still feel the loss, the hurt, and cry. That is only human. We need these emotions, otherwise we would not be human anymore.

    • Sandeep Luthra

      I really appreciate your comments , without the emotions we cannot connect with anyone family or friends .

  4. Jeff

    this article appeared at a moment of irony for me, like a twist of fate. Thank you for sharing Elina, this was exactly what I needed to read right now. Much love <3

  5. growchangelove

    As both a fan of the office and someone who just got out of a long term relationship, i found this article to be a great help. I was actually getting into a bit of a funk right before i stumbled upon it. Sure comparing the series finale of a tv show and the end of a relationship seems like a bit of a stretch but I guess it’s just all in the way you look at things. I think the Dr. Seuss quote just about sums it up. Maybe you can’t be with the person that you loved anymore but its up to you to decide whether you look back at all the memories you had with that person with resentment or with a smile. Thanks Elina! Needed the pick me up.

  6. David

    I’m in agreement with Jeff here. This one came at an ideal time for me, and the way you explained it hit the nail right on the head. The quote about structure especially did it for me. I’ve been struggling with a similar situation and believe that had I read this earlier it may not have had the same effect on me, however, over the last little while I have reached a point where this fits right in with what I have been thinking and discovering on my own. Thanks for your insight, I wish you the best with your own situation!

    I don’t understand why people are ripping apart the comparison of this to a TV show, I actually found that to make perfect sense in my mind. For all those that are reading into it, don’t. I don’t believe the connection between the two is meant to be taken as literal as some of you are interpreting it.

  7. Dave

    Dave, from australia.
    I just got my ex back, we are happily in love just like old times, she left me for another guy 2weeks ago just because i didn’t buy her something so expensive on her birthday, she said i dont love her that i could not appreciaate her on her birthday.
    So she left for another guy who has been asking her out for about 2months now. There was no other way i could prove to her its not what she thinks, i called her phone more than 3thousand times a day but she wont answer my, instead she black list me number that i can no longer call her with my number., this happened for a week, than i found a lady email on line who they say she does spell work to bring back lover, her email is templeoflove1@yahoo.com, i contacted her and she warned me to that if she brings her bacvk, i should respect and adore her and make her know that she’s everything to me. I was so surprise how the spell lady knew that i dont care for her.Well i learnt my lessons that not until you lose what you have, you wont know its value. The spell lady asked me for some informations and pictures and proceed with the spell to return my love back to me, and in 2days later i received a call from her asking to me were i was, it was to unusaula because she has not done that for week now.I was on top of the world when she came back to me and told me that she has broken up with the other guy because she notice that she cant do without me, and that was the exact words the spell lady said that she’s going to tell me whaen she comes back.I am so thanful like never before for having my lover back, the templeoflove1@yahoo.com spell lady is the perfect one to meet on problems.

  8. Bonhof

    Am send a great Thank You, Thank You to a very great spell lady. Yes I’m a regular with this woman and that’s why you see lots of feedback ratings from me to her. I never knew nothing of this spell up until my ex broke up with me leaving me frustrated with life, then a close friend gave me info about a spell lady who helped him to get back his job, he said many things about this spell lady and how powerful she is. I contacted this spell lady on her email templeoflove1@yahoo.com not having an idea of how things work, I chatted and talked over the phone just to be sure of what am about to do. But i was very confuse and skeptical though i was heart broken.To cut the long story short, the spell lady did spell that worked for me in 2days. My lover came back to me and begged never to cheat or ever hurt me again. It looks as if i was dreaming and never wanted to wakeup but it was so real. This spell lady is great as my friend said; trust me. But the only way you will know for your self is by calling or emailing on her and seeing for yourself. One thing though is if you are facing life struggle and difficulties, you would do anything to get out of it just like i did. The only reason I genitally contacted this spell lady was because I liked what friend were saying about her. They were all right on with what I found out too. This is not a sales pitch, but what can I say; she is good. her email is templeoflove1@yahoo.com.

  9. Kerry

    The grief that comes at the ending of a relationship is for the loss of the dreams and hopes. When you are in a relationship, your partner becomes a habit. You think of every life event and daily mundane routine and they are there with you. Suddenly you have to rethink your future and rearrange your thoughts to not include them anymore and life without them seems impossible. I believe every person we share even the briefest passing moment has something to give us and us them. The more we can grow with one person, the longer we stay. It is always difficult when one of the partner outgrows the other, but we should be wishing our former loved ones a successful journey and not try to hold them to us retarding their growth. We should be happy for the journey shared and lovingly bundle the memories to be revisited at a time when it no longer causes pain. There are stages to grief, and none can be avoided but it helps to know what they are so you can track your progress. Acceptance comes when you revisit the memoriesand suddenly find you are smiling. It will happen for you, and when it does, the memories will leave you with a warm buzz and a comfort feeling.

  10. alex from france

    Exactly what I needed to read, precisely at this moment! Thank you for this.


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