In March of this year I wrote the following piece:
It’s interesting to note all the inner confusion. Especially when you think yourself to be on some kind of pathway to happiness. Aren’t we all on this path one way or another? Sure, there are those who finally reach their true state. But for me this is not yet the case. Perhaps it’s because of the searching.
I can laugh at it sometimes, sometimes it makes me feel sad and sometimes it leaves me with a feeling of utter helplessness. The inner voice is often heard saying “Whats the use of it all?” with me. But I know why its there. It’s there because I’m still confusing things. And that confuses me. Clarity is our natural state, if only we know it. Know thyself… in ancient Greece they knew the importance of self knowledge. But how can one find this self knowledge if one is confused by himself? The duality is clearly visible to me and this confuses me.
I have been reading about non-duality for some time now and ever since I came across it, it felt like this is the real deal. And yet at the same time it left me highly confused. For the first time my intellectual capabilities weren’t enough. Non-duality is not about an intellectual enterprise. It’s about realising ones own true nature, being non-dual. And it points out it’s actually farely simple. It’s who we are in the first place. There is nothing other than our true self. Yet, our mind, thoughts, emotions and ego all get in the way and obscure this profound yet simple realization.
So I’m confused. Confused because I’m too obsessed with my intellectual endeavour to just let go and be. For that’s what all the great Masters have been telling us: “You are the Self. Can there be an other?”
The confusion serves its purpose. It’s here to show me that I’m trying to grasp the truth by clinging on to intellectualistic truth. And yet, sometimes there’s a feeling.. something comes into me and goes inside. It reveals itself from the inside, showing me I am. How can I not be? It’s impossible! I am that I am and I’m confused about it.
Now, just four months later I have a totally different view on things.
Since then I have rediscovered Buddhism and a lot of its perspectives on things. Reality has become much clearer to me, and my life in general has begun to turn out alright. At this moment for once, I’m actually starting to enjoy myself by being more and more in the moment. How? By just by being, not diving into the world of thoughts and feelings, but keeping a distance from them all by going inward. Inside of me is a state where the ‘I’ no longer exists; the one thing which remains is being. Being not as a thing, but as a flow inside the moment which creates yet is beyond the things of this world. From what I have come to understand being is a stream, the stream of Tao. If we take the words ‘Human Being,’ one sees this most likely as a thing, as an individual amongst others.
But thats because we view our experience as being a separate one in which we have our own individual thoughts and feelings. Science however has shown that this is not the case, as all atoms are quantum entangled throughout the whole of the universe. So to me ‘Human Being’ is not the same as a human being. A human being is a thing, it’s not the real thing. ‘Human Being’ is an active state of mind, in which the mind is silenced for there is no longer a need for it to operate separately.
In Buddhism this is called Anatta (Non-Self.) There is no individual I, so in calling the experience ‘I’ we close ourselves off from the experience. Only when we allow ourselves to be in our natural state of being of non-self and non-attachment, can we attain a simple yet deeper level of ourselves; being. And realizing that our being truly is ‘Being’ and not a thing, one might see that all things are in reality ‘Being.’