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goddess-001aaDay 1 Ayahuasca Nov. 10, 2013

Last night was my first ayahuasca experience. I tried to let go of all expectations beforehand so that I could fully experience the medicine for what it was. Going into the time when I was about to drink it, I became extremely nervous and my heart was racing. At first the only fear I had was that I was going to crap my pants. But when it came down to teatime I was just nervous in general and my heart was really racing. My intentions were simple. I figured I would start off small and go from there. My intentions were to align my energies and balance my chakras, I asked for specific chakras to be focused on; my throat and third eye chakra. So then after I chugged back the brew (which was not nearly as bad as I was expecting) came the waiting period. After everyone had drank the tea they shut off all the lights, this really scared me initially because the room became very dark and quiet, Again, I wasn’t expecting the lights to be off. My heart continued to pound. At this point I wasn’t sure what to do with myself, whether I should sit or lay, have my eyes open or closed. Since my stomach was already in knots and I had already been feeling like I had to go to the washroom I figured that I should go try and do that before I the medicine kicked in and I would be potentially unable to get there. Not too long after this, some of the other people in the room began to show signs that they were feeling the medicine. This made me trip out a little bit because I wasn’t sure what to do. By the time I started to feel it, it started out as intense unpleasant nausea. Then came the visions. At first when I closed my eyes I could see patterns and shapes that were similar to mandalas or fractals.  I was trying to just relax and see the visions, but then I started to see some dark imagery. It is hard to explain exactly what it was that I was seeing, because they were things that I had never really seen before. One thing I remember seeing quite vividly was a creepy image of what looked like the dog from “A Nightmare Before Christmas.” At times I would resist these images and open my eyes to try and make sense of what I was seeing. This was the logical part of my mind I think. I wasn’t necessarily scared, but I didn’t feel like these images help any significance, so I was consciously trying to create a different experience. However, in doing so I believe that I was hindering the experience that I was meant to have. At one point I did actually feel as if I could have gone, as in left my body (I don’t mean died) Mother could have taken me, but at that point I didn’t feel ready and was quite scared. So, I stayed on this physical plain of 3D existence. A common theme throughout the night was seeing the night sky. It was beautiful and full of stars. I was seeing this with my eyes closed and also when I opened them. This was confusing me a bit (again, probably my logical mind) because I kept thinking that I was standing outside and looking at the stars, but then I would realize that I was actually inside laying in the room with a bunch of other people. My mind kept trying to remind me that I was still attached to my body. After I realized this whenever I would see the stars appear I would try and surrender to it and let the experience take me, but I guess that wasn’t in store for me this time. After that, any feelings that I had began to dissipate to the point where I was feeling completely sober. I was thinking, “Well, I guess this is it,” all the while feeling extremely nauseous. So, I just layed down and began to feel really relaxed. I was envisioning a lot of really strange scenarios that at the time I felt held no significance whatsoever. One was of a friend Sarah and I going to a bank. Another was of me driving a car in a really strange unfamiliar looking city. I became so relaxed that I was tired and rolled into the fetal position which I forgot at the time, we aren’t supposed to do because it blocks some of the energy flow, but damn was that comfy. I then began to feel like a ball of complete love, this is a feeling that I have felt before through meditation, such a nice warm fuzzy feeling. J Then I fell asleep and had some pretty crazy dreams to which I can’t remember at all. Throughout my trip I was grateful for being able to have this opportunity. When I woke up it was to the shaman singing, and after having thought my trip was completely over I felt like it was time to purge. I was finally able to do this and man,  was it ever disgusting, but it felt so good to let it out! So then I began to see some more visions, stars and again completely random scenarios. So, I was feeling quite high and still very nauseous. All the while I was wondering if I should go up and ask the Shaman for more. I felt ok enough the way I was and decided against it. After thinking about it I was very, grateful that my first experience was relatively easy. While lying there, towards the end, I was completely tuned into Joe (my boyfriend’s) energy and I was completely able to see why this experience wasn’t for him at this time, and I missed him so much! I could feel his energy so strongly and all I wanted was to feel his physical body against mine. By the time the ceremony ended and the facilitators went around and handed out the chanca piedra tea (this tea is meant to support the liver), I couldn’t wait to go talk to someone. I saw Kyneret lighting up a pacha (jungle tobacco cigarette) and I decided to go say “hi” to her. And that was that for day 1.

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Day 2 Ayahuasca Nov. 11, 2013

OK, kind of an interesting experience last night. I let go of all the fear that I had the previous night. I was feeling calm and completely ready for the experience. I guess I did have some expectations because I was expecting to at least feel more than I felt the previous night. My intentions were to feel what source feels like and to see what source looks like, to feel what it’s like to feel the connection to source.  So, I went up to get my dose feeling completely calm and ready. The Shaman asked if I had felt anything the previous night and I had said a little bit, so he gave me a bit more this time and I put my intentions into the medicine and chugged it back. Yuck.  So then I went back to my seat, sat in a meditative position and just let go. After an hour or so had passed I still wasn’t feeling much of anything, or seeing anything at all. I was OK with this, but I did keep thinking I wonder if it is going to kick in at all. It didn’t really… then I just began to feel very nauseous. I just couldn’t sit up anymore so, I decided to give in and lay down as I wasn’t feeling much anyways. Soon after I lay down, I began to physically feel the effects of the ayahuasca. My body was buzzing and it felt like it was vibrating pretty high. So I just lay there and went into the feeling. It was complete and utter bliss. Once I realized that it was Mother Ayahuasca I just began to smile really big and I said in my mind, “Thank you for showing me what source and unconditional love feels like.” Then I just continued lying there in this complete state of ecstasy. A little while after that the intense nausea came back, quite intensely and I purged. After the purge I felt much better, but didn’t feel much of anything at all anymore, nor was I seeing any visions. By the time the ceremony was over I was completely sober and I went over to talk to my friend Sarah. This night was very interesting cause I soon found out that over half of the people that were there didn’t have much of a “trip,” at all. While Sarah and I were talking another friend Monty came over and started telling us about his experiences, although I felt very happy for him, I w as feeling kind of down about my own experiences and actually kind of jealous. Jealousy is an emotion that I hadn’t felt in quite awhile so I think that it was coming up for a reason. I think that it’s a lesson to just let go of any and all expectations and accept any situation that comes your way for what it is. This was tough because I specifically came to Peru, to have this crazy ayahuasca experience, but alas I can see the perfection in this after all, everything is happening for a reason. It may not seem to be much, but guaranteed there is something in it for you. What I experiences was amazing on its own, but because it wasn’t the same and as visually crazy or far out as my friends I was judging it as not worthy, or less of an experience. By the time Sarah and I got back to our room I was feeling very nauseous, I jumped into bed and tried to sleep. At this time visions were coming so strongly! Well after I had though everything was over. I was seeing eyes. In general, eyes. Cat eyes, reptilian eyes, insect eyes, Asian eyes, most predominantly a green leafy woman’s eyes, (which I related to being Mother Ayahuasca herself) and pretty much any other type of eyes you can imagine. Apparently next ceremony is supposed to be a more intense concentrated brew, so we’ll see what happens. I will try and let go of any expectations of course! 😛

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