Day 3 Ayahuasca Nov 13, 2013
So, yesterday morning we did the tobacco purge. This was absolutely amazing! Of course it was disgusting beyond belief, but it was definitely worth it! I purged out a lot of mucous and foam, and I felt incredible afterwards! We were encouraged to jump in the pond immediately afterwards, so I did just that, let me tell you, it was effing freezing! (Mind you, it is a glacier filled pond.) What a great way to shock the system after the purge, while in the lake I could not even breather but I just tried to swim around for about 20 seconds. It was definitely worth it though because I felt so amazing afterwards and was very happy to have contributed in both of those activities that morning. The whole process made me feel even more ready for the ceremony. After lunch I went to have a consultation with the Shaman. Right away almost before I even sat down he told me that I had been carrying some dark entities for quite sometime. I thought this was absolutely amazing because I have known about this for quite some time and it was cool that he had picked up on this so easily and confirmed it for me. He told me that these dark beings had been holding back my experiences out of fear of being let go during the first two sessions. He then did some energy work on me to loosen up the energies and told me to ask Mother Ayahuasca to help me to clear and release these entities. So, after that I was feeling very afraid of having to face these beings. To be honest, I was actually terrified of it! At one point I even almost cried. By the time the ceremony was getting closer I was feeling much better and actually excited to finally get rid of this darkness that I had been holding onto for at least a few years. Come ceremony time I was feeling quite short of breath, which was probably because of the fire breathing that we had been doing before during yoga. This made me feel a bit nervous again. Anyways, after I had drunk I began to welcome the experience. Quite a bit of time had passed and I hadn’t experienced much yet except for seeing quite a bit of dark energy around the room. I could feel that some of it was definitely coming from me. So, still not feeling much, I was just waiting to see if the Shaman was going to ask if anyone wanted a second dose. When he did ask I was the only one to get up and drink again. Maybe 20-30 minutes later it began to kick in and I was feeling quite drunk, as they call it. I wasn’t seeing much, but I was feeling a lot of energy within myself. I was very nauseous and couldn’t sit still at all. I was battling something within for sure. I really had to throw up, but I was trying to hold in the Ayahuasca as long as I could because I had just taken that second dose. Finally, I decided to let it all go. As I started purging I realized that this vomit was quite different from my previous purges, it was much thicker and it burned more, it was very resistant to come out and it was quite the struggle. With each heave, my head was shaking violently back and forth. At that point I realized that I was purging out the demons or dark entities and I really let it all go. After I was finally done I laid back and felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I immediately felt lighter, I felt free. After that I really wanted to confirm with the Shaman whether or not the beings were really gone, but I was told by one of the facilitators that I should not bring attention to it. She felt as though they were gone, and if I felt as though they were gone that was good enough. I should not put any energy towards them at all, in general.
Day 4 Ayahuasca November 15, 2013
This night was by far the most intense Ayahuasca experience so far. My intention was to have my pineal gland unblocked and for Mama Aya to take me for a ride, she did. It started out slow as usual, but then I began to feel really drunk. I started to see visions. It started out as colorful mandalas and pretty images and then all of the sudden my friend Monty and I were sitting in a small yellow room having a nice playful conversation, out of nowhere I said “hey we are not sitting here talking right now we are lying on our mats drunk on ayahuasca!” And he said, “Oh hey! You’re right, wow!” And then poof! The image shattered. After that I continued to be really, really drunk, but I can’t remember many more details about what I saw. I may have even fallen asleep for a bit. It seemed like no time had passed and the Shaman was already going around and singing his Icaros for each person, by the time he got to me I was so happy to see him, I was feeling tremendous amounts of love for him and everyone else in the room. I smiled up at him the whole time he was doing his thing. Right before this though, I purged and felt like I had directly cleared the blockages residing near my pineal gland. After the purge, I felt very peaceful. When the ceremony came to an end, I as well as the rest of the people in the yurt, were still feeling the effects of the ayahuasca. The facilitators poured the tea and everyone just lay there and continued the experience. At that time I began to feel a huge surge of sexual energy coursing through my whole body. This was really intense and went on for about an hour, to be honest I was feeling extremely aroused the whole time and it felt great. During the group session I asked Rob what this meant and he said that maybe the reason that I was feeling so sexually charged was because I may have been letting go of old blockages and past sexual experiences. This was awesome to hear because I was definitely carrying some of that. I was amazing that the ayahuasca knew that this was something that I needed to let go of, without even having me set it as an intention. Also, my friend Monty told me that he kept seeing me as a Valkyrie and then Rob said that at first he was seeing me as an enigma and then he was seeing me as a Valkyrie too. Cool! Maybe I was one in a past life.
Day 5 Ayahuasca November 16, 2013
So this was the last Ayahuasca ceremony of the retreat, considering that the previous ceremony had been somewhat intense I guess again, I did have some pretty high expectations for this one. My intentions were for the medicine to show me self love, and also anything else that needed to be dealt with that I wasn’t seeing. The Shaman poured me a glass that was about three quarters full and I put my intentions into the cup, chugged it back and went back to the mat and waited. Over an hour had passed and I wasn’t feeling anything energetically or seeing anything visually. Soon after that a strong sense of knowing came over me that this was one of my lessons: You do not need anything external to help you find self love or peace in your life. I knew this already, but this feeling that I got definitely confirmed this and made me feel a bit more relaxed during the rest of the ceremony. A little while later Alex asked if anyone would like a second cup. I was thinking about going up, but then I decided not to bother, as I knew that it would make me feel quite sick. Right after that, I started to feel pretty nauseous and I began to have a vision. There was a whole bunch of beautiful Native American warrior type women on horses. They appeared to be trapped in a valley with a huge gate that was preventing them from getting out. Then all of the sudden the women began charging on their horses towards the gate at full speed. As I was seeing this I began to feel vomit creeping its way up. As soon as the women reached the gate it flung wide open and the women were released to run free. At the exact moment that the gate flung open I purged. It was as if me purging was what released the women. For a while I was trying to analyze and make sense of this vision. What came to me may sound a bit corny, but it is what resonates the most. I was releasing my inner goddess and femininity; letting it go instead of repressing it. Coming to that realization was pretty awesome and I felt proud of myself. For the rest of the night as I lay on my mat, I was basically receiving a huge ego boost from either my higher self or my guides, except my ego wasn’t getting engaged at all, actually it seemed to be gone for the time being. I was hearing compliment after compliment after compliment. Each was saying how I am worthy, I am beautiful and in general people really do like me. I was receiving confirmation against every self doubt I have ever had, It’s OK that I can be quiet sometimes, that is just a part of who I am etc.… etc.… I guess this directly relates to my intention to feel self-love.
And that wraps up my 5 ceremonies with Mother Ayahuasca, and what an incredible journey it was.