For the past few years I have been noticing a theme in my life. Sometimes it is really prevalent and sometimes I don’t notice it much, but it’s always there in the background. I don’t care about myself, I don’t put any effort into myself or my well-being, because I don’t feel like I’m worth the effort. I choose to escape my problems instead of facing them. Lately I have been noticing that my own unhappiness has been projecting onto my outside world. I am starting to judge people and the situations that I’m in. I have been blaming, and projecting anger onto my boyfriend and therefore my relationship is struggling. Because I am choosing to be in misery, I feel depressed a lot of the time and I know that there is “inner-work” that needs to be done, but I am very self-defeating and self-destructive. I tell myself that I am not capable of change, and that I am broken and I don’t deserve love and happiness, besides, who would want to love me anyways?
Playing A Victim
This is me, playing the victim. There have been times in my life where I have stepped up and said, “I am going to grow, and find self love.” I even went to Peru and participated in a 9-day Ayahuasca retreat (you can read about that here) with the intention of facing and dealing with my issues. This did help for a little while and I felt like I was moving forward. The problem is I just didn’t keep up with the “inner-work” that is required. In a way, even though I denied it, I think I was sort of relying on the ayahuasca to “save” me. Of course with this mindset, it didn’t. The thing is, deep down I know that it is entirely up to me. I am the one who needs to take control of my own life and find happiness and this is exactly what I have decided to do.
“Don’t rely on someone else for your happiness and self-worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can’t love and respect yourself – no one else will be able to make that happen. Accept who you are – completely; the good and the bad – and make changes as YOU see fit – not because you think someone else wants you to be different.” -Stacey Charter
Learning To Love Myself
I have embarked on a journey to find self-love. I know that underneath it all, we are all love and love is all there really is, but it is another thing to actually feel that in this human form and human life on this planet. So you may be wondering how I intend to find this so called “self-love.” Well, I really don’t think that it is something that is not there and therefore needs to be found. I think that it is always there, but just buried underneath programs, habits, addictions, conditioning, mind stories and distractions. Once we are able to let go of those things and feel the essence of who we truly are, we are able to feel the love that we are. At least that’s how I think it works. I guess we will find out!
So, here is a list of what I have not been doing, but I feel like I should start doing to begin to feel that love that resides within. Creating a routine in my day-to-day life. Up until a few days ago my life was a chaotic mess. Working with CE, I am able to make my own hours and work when I want. So this basically gave me freedom to have no order, procrastinate, take my time, sleep in and further distract myself from myself. With a routine I have set times for specific tasks that I would like to get done which leads me to my next point…
Steps To Loving Myself
- Setting up somewhat of a schedule for specific tasks that I would like to get done each day, maybe even a checklist. (Before there was no motivation to do anything really except for whatever work I had to do.)
- Getting really honest with myself, and making a list of what I would like to change in my life.
- Starting a regular exercise program (I have read so many times that regular exercise is one of the best ways to treat depression, so naturally this will help in the journey to self love, why would I have waited so long in the first place?)
- Taking time for myself, even if that means putting in a little effort. Going for a walk, taking a bath, reading a book. (Before free time meant putting a lot of time and effort into doing things for other people in the search for approval, making elaborate meals, keeping busy, looking through Facebook, watching movies, anything really to keep myself distracted from… myself.)
- Utilizing different methods of meditation including breathing exercises, binaural beats, self-reflection and so on. (This means actually practicing it rather than just assuming that I can’t do it and that it doesn’t work for me.)
- Seeking “help” if needed. I have reached out to my awesome friend who is just starting his journey to become a life coach Derek Lovell. It truly helps to be completely open and transparent with someone else. These people will not fix your problems for you, but allow you an outlet and a new perspective. (Before, I would say that no one is capable of helping me and wouldn’t ask for help, really I was just too afraid to let others know how I was truly feeling on the inside.)
- Keeping a journal and tracking the changes that I notice throughout the process. Not necessarily making sure to write in it every day, but writing when I feel like it.
- Taking better care of my health and body by eating well.
- Being aware of negative self talk and judgments, getting to the bottom of why I think/feel that way in the first place. Through this comes confidence.
- Creating a “personal bible.” (This is a book that I am making that contains inspirational quotes, memes and personal goals that I can look through when I’m feeling down or want to feel inspired.)
- Giving thanks and feeling gratitude. Putting more attention on things that are going well and basically looking on the bright side.
- Following my passions, doing activities that truly bring me peace and joy. (I have a deep appreciation and connection to animals, so I have been looking into volunteering at animal shelters or on farms, and just spending more time in nature.)
This is my list and these are all things that I think will assist me on my journey to feeling the love that I already am. Of course there is no set guideline to learning to love yourself, but if you feel inspired why not try some of these out for yourself. Some of the ideas for these steps I am taking are coming from a time where I was feeling really good and putting in the time to honour and take care of myself, when I was in Peru. I know that it may sound like a lot to do, but I tell myself that I am worth the effort. And I am important enough to deserve the time and care I put into myself. The reason the list seems so long is because I wasn’t doing ANY of these things before, or at least very minimally. I have been putting in the time and effort for about a week now and I already am feeling A LOT better. When you keep busy doing things for yourself you don’t have time to dwell yourself into a dark corner or perpetual spiral of negative thinking. There is enough time in the day if you manage your time properly. This is me, finding the love that I am and being transparent.
Anyone who reads this who is struggling or has struggled -realize that you are important and you are entirely worth the effort, you won’t know until you start proving it to yourself.
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