Self-deception can be described in innumerable ways, these can be anything from insecurities (“I can’t do it” mentality), comparisons (“I feel so small compared to so and so”), inadequacy (“If only I was this or did this I wouldn’t be this or that”), jealousy or infinite expressions of this energy. These all feature multi-faceted viewpoints and experiences and are all unique in themselves yet at the root of all this, the formula is still the same.
Over the last several months, I have been on one of the most chaotic -and precious rides I could imagine. One that to this day I am still experiencing but with a new and brisk clarity that I can apply; and share with you.
This is a personal journey, so personal details must accommodate it to make it fit into my message as well as the overall background. I had the blessing to explore an amazing journey with a wonderful girl who is still a significant part of my life. To make a very long story short I traveled sixteen hours to meet her and do interviews with some amazing people. We met, and we decided to engage in a romantic dynamic, to me it was perfect; almost out of my greatest dreams. I spent two unforgettable weeks with her that were chalked full of adventure and excitement, full of life. Yet, with most things – it must come to an end. The lessons that manifest from that can be very painful, and “dark.” I say “dark” but not with any coated judgement, this quote embodies my perception quite well…
“Some of our greatest gifts are brilliantly disguised as our biggest fears.” – Unknown
So I returned to my repetitive life of 9-5 work, and constant predictability; I grew bitter of this reality. I did not take into account the blessings I had, only the image that I had desperately desired – I conned myself out of staying in the NOW. I yearned to experience the fire of spontaneity we had shared with eachother, I miss the adventure and the companionship. My feelings remained and I planned another trip to see her, so I saved up some cash for two months and made my way back to her. I remained by her side for about a month, and during that time the growth and feelings seemed to have intensified. That trip embodied the first trip, but featured more dynamic, more intense experience. More lessons. What occurred next I could not predict.
Both experiences forever changed my life, and to this day I am still sifting and digesting the messages and inner-understanding. “Life works in a mysterious way,” as the timeless saying goes and this was definitely no exception. This time when I made it back home, things had changed – not to my particular liking, either. My heart felt like I had left a piece of me back there with her, and this was the start of one, dare I say; hellish ride. One that I am understanding and appreciating more and more by the day. I emphasize and stress that the theme of all of my turmoil is self-created, I was not and have never been a victim of these circumstances.
Home brought many mixed feelings, and these were a result of a conflicting self-deception I had sub-consciously signed up for. I did not want to be there, and I did not want to “let go” of what we had. I refused to at any cost. Me and this girl had decided to try a long-distance relationship until I could move near her. I was determined to be as close to her as physically possible.
Time continued on, and our dynamic had changed. She started to spread her wings, and began to network and work with other people. They performed phenomenal work, yet I only knew bitterness and jealousy. I disliked her not giving me the attention we had so often enjoyed for that short time together – my life became clustered, compact and unstable. Over a relatively short amount of time, what we created; basically fell apart. It was one of the biggest heartaches I had ever experienced to this day, and with each day the stagnancy spawned a cycle of no authentic exchange between one another. This in turn made us both question where we stood, and my desire became under threat which further fueled what I was about to go through.
With a mutual acceptance, we both decided it was best to just remain friends. I did not like this decision one bit, but at the time I felt it was just her fault, really. Hearing her say she couldn’t do a long-distance relationship burned in my mind day in and day out, amplifying with each social media post she did showing her living her life. With each exchange we shared, we became more distanced and alienated from each other. We went from being seemingly “perfect” to downright chaotic and disruptive, I say this all without any attachment or judgement it just enveloped this way, there was no one to “blame” for this “tragedy.”
I became increasingly selfish and unstable with my personal life, I cared for her but I could not tolerate seeing her live.
The Breaking Point
It became apparent that we were probably not going to be romantic ever again, despite my main intention being maintaining that. This situation did not improve, I only stifled myself with self-deceptive concepts and thoughts. Enter: reactive state.
With each interaction, whether with me or anyone, I grew increasingly resentful of her, what she had “become” was turning more and more a threat to my well-being it seemed. Of course this was not true but how I reacted to any of her interactions within my existence. Consider everything I described, and amplify it by about three times, this is what brought me to my mental boiling point.
The ability to describe why and how can make this article longer than it already is but one night I just couldn’t handle the self-deception matrix I had built myself. In my disillusioned state I blamed the outer world, and decided to “strike back” at it from all angles. What I failed to realize was that the “outer” world and “inner” world are one in the same. So if I resented someone, I resented myself, and this created a perpetual self-conflict that took my rational mind with it. If you want to close your heart off from the universe, this was the ticket for that experience.
I became malicious, volatile, heavily contradictory and overall the theme was irrational. This stemmed ludicrous actions such as lashing out at this girl in the most egotistical ways imaginable, I am not proud of this. It wasn’t just her either; basically anyone that prodded me while in this energy was open to this attitude. Each day felt like an eternity of helplessness and stagnancy, coupled by a boiling anger and I did not know how to find a way out. Down I went, falling into my own inner-sanctum of confusion and disarray. Words will never describe the emotions and thoughts I had during these few days. The shame intensified with the anger and the fog that had descended upon my crushed psyche.
This girl, who had taken my worldwide assault at the forefront sent me one video after I requested she not speak with me anymore. It was this video, by Prince Ea:
Without digressing or regurgitating his exquisitely pleasant and insightful message I will tell you how this impacted me. After the video I saw clearly, how I had become “addicted” to her, well the sensation of “falling” in “love” with her. The door to inner knowledge swung open and I was once again ready for business. My heart expanded and as I allowed it to “just be” without any form of control I noticed a space in my aura. It is worth noting that you can only open yourself up to this via living right NOW and fully immersing yourself in all of this. To the fullest. This newly acquired vulnerability made the fact she still chose to have me in her life more authentic and powerful than any of the stagnant interactions we had tossed back and forth before. This space soon became full of unconditional love, I then saw the most obvious and ironic “problem” I had experienced this whole time.
I had convinced myself that what I had to do was too difficult for me to do, but what I had to “do” was to not do anything. Nothing. The hardest part of this whole crazy train was to just let it be, and this requires no action – but try absorbing that while reacting to the world second by second. Put simply: the “solution” to self-deception of all types is to let it be. Period. There is no action that must be taken, no substance to take, no excuse to make, no forgetting, no anything. You are still whole and do not ever require anything to make you “complete.” What you may be feeling is a self-constructed mechanism that can be easily dismantled by not dismantling it. You deconstruct by not reacting and letting it just sit there. The more you do this, the more you see how foreign this object truly is and how powerful not powerless you are to it.
Do not get me wrong, I am still experiencing the final thrashes of this episode, but the insight I have acquired will not diminish and I know that this perception will help me pierce the veil of any similar experience forever. I truly do hope that somewhere along the way, you as a person absorbed some form of observation and feel it can apply to an experience you may be having right now. That will have made this roller coaster ride even more worth it, knowing that the information and message helped spawn new insight into the millennial old art of self-deception. Thank you for reading.