A relationship life coaching strategy for when you and your ex want to get back together and rekindle your romantic flame.

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If you ever coach with me, one of the things you’ll quickly notice is that I drive home the fact that everything is about small, in the moment, day-to-day actions. The problem may be big picture, but the solution always lies in small second-to-second actions.

In relationships I find that the following is true: the small minute-to-minute actions are actually what land up being the most damaging. So often, it’s not so much the fact that your husband cheated, it’s what he said to you afterwards: it’s your fault for not wanting to have sex with me, you’re too ugly, you don’t look after yourself.

When you get back together, it’s going to be your small day-to-day habits that set the tone for how successful your relationship is, but unfortunately it’s all too easy to slip back into old habits. And what habits are more comfortable than those in your romantic relationship and home?

Each of the tools listed below can be used as a standalone, or you can use any combination of the elements. Altogether they make a very powerful set of habits that will not only reestablish your relationship on solid ground, but will also keep it going and growing if you continue to apply them. I know this because these are exactly the tools I use in my own relationship.

Enjoy Each Other ONLY

Whether you’ve had a breakup or are going through a rough spot, call a time out where you enjoy each other only.

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For a specified time period, say a month, you’re not allowed to talk about the issues, you’re only allowed to say and do fun and loving things together. If you are feeling unsettled, you can say for example, “I am nervous about our future,” but your partner is only allowed to love and reassure you.

You cannot enter into conversation about the future or issues until the agreed upon time period has elapsed. The more rocky and tempestuous your relationship, the longer I’d make the time period.

Gratitude Rampages

This is so much fun to do together and it builds love, affection, and personal energy like few other tools I know.

Simply put, every time you speak to each other, you are both responsible for giving gratitude for everything you can think of to be grateful for with and about each other.

I’m grateful you make me laugh. I’m grateful we’re back together. Thank you for being there to support me. I really appreciate that you took the trash out.

It doesn’t matter what you give thanks for, the point is to give as much thanks as possible, as often as possible, for as many days as you can manage.

The 48-Hour Rule

If your relationship is in a habit where one or both of you storms out or ends things during heated arguments, then the 48-hour rule will help you circumvent that.

In a nutshell, the 48-hour rule says that any break-up is not official until you’ve come back and discussed it face-to-face or in person 48 hours later.

The rule achieves two ends: first, because these words are often said in the heat of the moment and you change your mind once the emotions have settled, this is a way for you to easily reestablish contact and keep the relationship going. Obviously the rules of fidelity in your relationship still apply during the 48-hour period.

Often, not approaching each other because we have shame about the incident prevents reconciliation. This rule circumvents that by giving you time to cool down, affording you the safety of knowing you will have a chance to speak to your partner again. Secondly, once you’ve done this a few times, one of you will invariably say: what’s the point of waiting 48 hours? We might as well sort it out now!


If you are going to use one tool from this strategy, use this one. I speak and write about this a lot because it is the single simplest change you can make in your life that will have the biggest impact.

The tool is simple: make the forgiveness mantra as much a part of your daily conversation as you can.

I’m sorry, I love you, I forgive you, please forgive me.

Say it when you don’t know what to say, say it during fights, randomly say it, it doesn’t matter what the reason is: the point is to say it to each other as much as possible. The positive words will fill your relationship and selves with positive energy and you will develop the habit of speaking to each other gently and with love.

It’s basically a form of brainwashing yourself, but it makes such a huge and fast difference in your communication that you will not be able to believe it at times.

Rip The Sexual Band-Aid

Remember how problems melted away and were easy to solve when you were close and lovey-dovey and had a lot of sex?

When you haven’t had sex or felt intimate for a long time, it’s easy to forget how nice sex and intimacy actually feels, and there’s often no solution for that than to rip the Band-Aid and just do it again.

Sex also bonds you physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, and the natural physical and chemical processes that take place in your body will help both of you feel more connected and bonded.

Ripping the Band-Aid may require you to force yourself to have sex three or four or five times, but for most people once is enough to kickstart the desire again.

Trust Exercises

Trust is not easy to rebuild, and in every healing relationship there are usually trust issues to deal with.

The Imago Gratitude Technique, Synchronized Breathing, Extended Cuddling, and Trust Falls are all great ways to build trust, and there are a number of trust exercises available on my website for couples to use.

In addition, jointly using the Quick Coherence Technique in daily combined meditations or quick connection sessions can dramatically shortcut your energetic healing process. The Quick Coherence Technique from Heartmath is available as a free coaching tool download from my website.


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