Observing The Man’s Role: Its Time To Let GO

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Have you ever taken a moment to step outside of yourself and look in at your life as an observer? So often we get so caught up in our own movie that we forget to realize that everyone is seeing the world from their own version of reality, or their own movie. Each person’s movie is the only one that they see, and everyone that is in it all play the supporting roles. Think about all the thoughts you have on a daily basis. There are probably thousands of them. Every person out there is thinking about their life at all times, just like you are at this moment.

I looked at my father the other day, and thought about what his movie might be like. I stepped out of myself and looked in at him and my family. I saw the weathered soul of a man who required the same soul nourishment as we all do, but who never properly supplied himself with it or received it for a few reasons.  For the most part, men in society are expected to fulfill a certain role to maintain an identity which is based around this role. Men are the strong ones, emotionally and physically, and are the protectors and providers for women and children. We see this so often with corporate jobs, labour jobs, or trades jobs; men working long and difficult hours, spending time away from their family and friends, working most of their life away until they get sick or until they retire.

Men are also expected to be strong emotionally, for to see a male cry is usually unexpected and touching more so than seeing a female or child crying. For this reason, men often internalize emotional experiences throughout their lives. As humans, we feel emotions to release energy so that we can heal and grow, so this expectation of men could possibly be stunting their mental and spiritual growth.

I had a brother who passed away in 2011. I remember going through the pain as a family. Thinking back to the year of his passing, I can remember the compassion and love that was shown for our family by family and friends. However, I recall how people showed their care and the questions that they would ask, and for the most part the questions were aimed towards how my mother was dealing with the death, and how her healing journey was progressing. It appeared that people were more concerned about my mother’s well-being as apposed to my father’s. I’m not saying that people didn’t ask my father how he was doing, but in general it seemed as though that people expected my father to be coping better than my mother, even though it was both of their child. So there is that expectation again.

Discussing our feelings and thoughts about important things in our lives is cathartic for most. It is common to see women sharing their feelings with their friends and family. Being a waiter in restaurants for the past 6 years, I’ve seen this first hand. Women sitting for hours on end drinking their wine or tea, chatting about their lives. When men are dining together, it is a different experience. For the most part, men want their food quick and want to be in and out as soon as possible. When was the last time you saw two manly men sitting together talking about how things make them feel? I’ve noticed with my own father and other people’s fathers the trouble they have expressing their feelings and emotions. This does not mean that men do not have these feelings, but rather that these feelings are mostly internalized.

At a deeper level we all require the same things to feel nourished, such as love, peace, and acceptance. The cultural definition of a man and the role that they take on in society makes it difficult for men to communicate these needs, and this affects their personal growth as a human. Be aware of this, and break the norm the next time you see your dad or a guy-friend by giving them a hug instead of a handshake, or by asking them how they have been feeling in the hectic times we are living in.

As we progress through the massive world changes currently taking place, it is important to let go of the definitions that were created in the past and to embrace a new paradigm. This means letting go of the identities created around masculinity and femininity. Ask yourself this question, if someone were to suddenly reveal to you that everything that you were so sure was true about life and the universe was actually false, could you release your all of your attachments and accept it? Or would you go into a state resistance and fear instead? This question is an important one to be asking ourselves throughout this phase in our lives. We are so much more than we have been lead to believe.

Happy Father’s Day and much love to all the dads out there!

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8 comments
  1. Brilliant read, can’t agree more. Thank you
    I also noticed today that hundreds of women took fathers day for themselves as they may not have their childs father active in their childs life. This upset me a little as I am in my sons life. Women are the new men today, and some men are the new women, role reversal, many men have been brought up by women alone, and so are more femanine than decades before. The system rewards single parenting, and for some women it benefits them financially to be a single parent if working class. Such a shame. Many will disagree with me, but its my opinion. I’m not by any means taking the glory away from women what do as they are fantastic people doing sooo much. I just think Men have to answer to sooo much and women don’t, its not fair.
    I hope society gets ready to brace change as change is, has and will inevitably be a force to reckon whether good or bad.

    1. I also agree, since I was 8, there was no physical contact between us kids and my parents. Except one time when my dad kicked me in the ass to tell me to proceed with my plans to move out to Cali. The second to last time I saw him I gave him a hug and he said “Just don’t kiss me”. It was an awkward moment and I don’t really know why I hugged him, something spontaneous. As for my mom, I did take her dancing when I was about 30 or so. Just before she died I gave her a hug, the same spontaneous hug I gave my dad. I guess maybe, after seeing so many other adults hugging their parents, I felt like I missed something somehow. When I told people about the distance that was kept between me and my parents through the years, they would say “That’s terrible”. Now I am likely to hug a woman I just met, but more importantly, I give my stepsons a handshake and then a hug, It makes me feel more complete somehow and closer to them. They are both grown now, but we still hug and it makes me feel more human and reminds me of how much they cared for me and I loved them while they were growing up. I think something spiritual happens when two people’s personal distance is ignored (in a good way) and perhaps their auras intertwine for that brief period. 😀

  2. many spiritual paths have eschewed the ubermacho. it seems to not be just a problem in 1st world western nations but also those of thec2nd. latin smerica comes to mind. perhaps it is getting worse in that as we become more remote from family, we all, men and women, become more exemplar of the striving competitive male model. a radio program today discussed the seasons plethoa of “badgirl” movies. wilhelm reich would probably say it is the psychic virus of fascism, which is rising now. let us oray the rise is a death trrmir, a last outburst of a dying social disease.

    as for letting go…every day. .and the next day the person that is cakked for, for the personality is just a tool for the dpirit inside.

  3. I think it’s about time men started questioning themsleves and others as to why men rape and abuse, why there’s so much child abuse and child porn…..men should sort these things out…reach out to their ‘brothers’….tell them to STOP…..STOP going to war, STOP helping to create wars, STOP abusing your women and children……step into the new age and re define what it is to be a real man, rather than just a male by gender…and to all those are doing something positive to rid this world of the mere male, I salute you!

    1. War is a part of human you can barely avoid it. At any time humanity will reach the point of war. Think be yourself how would you settle this.

  4. You are basically asking to change human nature, which will never happen.. I am not very confident if these are judgments passed by society as they are ingrained in our minds in a very deep instinctive level..

    I am a male who was a bullying and abuse victim ever since elementary school, I never had any friendships, relationships or success in life for the past 25 years.
    Since nearly finishing high school up until today I experience psychological trauma, depression and insomnia from past experiences, at times suicidal tendencies. On top of that the psychiatrists and psychologists I went to kept me living that cycle to make money out of me.

    When people sense you are expressing yourself openly, especially as a man; it is a red flag telling others that you are fragile and weak, they will not like that and some will take advantage of it..

    I live in a very judgmental society, if you are not playing the role of a man and being strong enough to absorb the abuse and make a stand; then you will be weeded out of society as people will abuse you or avoid you.. I already ruined my career and I am not confident that will become a successful male, husband or father.

    Reading this article where men are told to be themselves is a laughable matter.

    Its terrible, its bad but lets face it: schools and prisons have one thing in common, the rule of civilization doesn’t work over-there, people get abused, raped and at times nearly killed if not killed behind closed doors… We are living in a thug like society and it will keep going this way; the only difference is we butter it up and mask with civilization.

    Men are worn out by failure and disappointment not because they are expected to fill certain roles but because they are human and the world is harsh. The only way is to meet the certain criteria that make people think twice before crossing the line with you and this applies to all people whether they are men or women.

    Its not about pretending to be strong or tough, rather about drawing a line to prevent abusive and dysfunctional individuals to cross the line with you.

    1. Let’s start off with saying that I am of the male gender.

      Sure, it is human nature in a man’s role to represent masculinity. But it’s not human nature to suppress inner thoughts ans emotions. As humans we have many modes of expression.

      Yes. We do live in a very, very, very judgmental world. Times are changing and is becoming less “thug-like” as you say. I see a lot more acceptance everywhere I go as compared to years ago. It is ok to see a man cry, with the circumstances given. It may be uncomfortable to witness as it is “programmed” within our minds to imagine men being tough, stone-cold, or even emotionless.

      I consider myself to be an optimist. And I see the light wherever I go. I see mostly positive in my life rather than negativity. I, too, suffer from depression and suicidal tendencies at times. But I get over it and move on. You know how? By talking to those who care about me and tell them about my feelings.

      It’s the Age of the Aquarius. And things will change for the better this time. Times now are a lot different from the basic male/female gender roles centuries ago. We’re making huge progress in the human evolution across the years.

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