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How You & Your ‘Narcissist’ Partner Are Actually The Same

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Many of us are guilty of blaming narcissists for all of our relationship troubles, but the truth is, if you’ve attracted one, there is a GOLDEN lesson in there for you. Chances are, you’re more similar than you think! We actually attract partners that mirror us, but we have to look past the surface in order to recognize this.

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Same Core Issue, Different Defence Mechanism

The Narcissist’s Defence Mechanism

Narcissists generally carry deep abandonment or shame issues, whether due to a difficult childhood, rejection at school, or some other past event which triggered a deep sense of isolation, guilt and lovelessness.

They typically protect this wound by making sure they (or you) never get too deep into their true feelings, and they do this by closing the lid on their pain and relying on a “safe” yet fragile fantasy world. When it comes to romantic relationships, this fantasy world often relies on romantic idealization, superficiality, lust, and flirting sprees, as well as getting their ego fed by attention and praise — addictions which serve as a replacement for the love they feel starved of.

Hint: If they make you feel like the most beautiful, perfect, and amazing prince/princess in the world during the early stages of your relationship but you feel like there is no real depth to the relationship (like you don’t even really know them and they don’t really know you), that’s the fantasy they live in – the one they’re are subconsciously luring you into. It’s a fairytale performance.

When The Honeymoon Is Over

The challenge is, the fairytale only satisfies for a while before the emptiness comes lurking back in. This is why you may seem like old news to them after a while. They may cheat, they may neglect you, they may ignore you, or they may even abuse you. Hurt people hurt people, as they say (not that it’s the right way to deal with pain.)

The personality switch from Romeo/Juliet to jerk might also happen when you start to notice the superficiality of the honeymoon phase and start asking for deeper emotional intimacy and honesty. Because narcissists desperately want to avoid feeling whatever true emotions lurk within by keeping shallow lives and relationships, they will fight back (or pull away) when you ask for more depth and transparency.

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The Narcissist’s Way Of Dodging Responsibility

The same might happen during fights, which is often life’s way of challenging us into becoming more real, honest, and emotionally transparent with ourselves and others. Narcissists’ entire defence mechanisms revolve around avoiding emotional transparency and creating a false image of themselves, so it is during fights that you often see most of their avoidance and blame mechanisms.

They will…

1. Blow up in anger when challenged to question themselves.

2. Never look at their faults.

3. Point fingers at you instead.

4. Twist your words (or select 2 or 3 words to take offence at out of the other thousand words you truly wished they would hear and answer to.)

5. Often pretend like none of it happened the next day or after weeks of ignoring you.

6. Apologize profusely or swear to change to get you hooked again, without actually learning from or reflecting on the past arguments and challenges. 

7. Do ANYTHING to avoid, ignore, and repress where they actually stand emotionally.

They don’t want you to touch who they truly are. They don’t want to themselves. They are terrified of feeling what’s there. They believe that love and security lies in “getting” and “sucking” other people’s energy and attention in superficial ways… because they feel (consciously or subconsciously) that being loved for who they truly are can’t be a reality for them. They are deeply insecure, ridden with guilt and feel ugly inside; hence why they do anything to avoid facing these emotions and project a false reality instead. There is no point in judging them; they are simply hurt individuals who believe they have found a way to avoid hurt. This mechanism has become a way of life to them. It is not who they truly are, but they often don’t even know it.

“The shame that plagues the narcissistic personality, which will never be acknowledged or dealt with by the narcissist, has to be projected out at others. Therefore any perceived criticism (and it is a hair line trigger) will be met with denial, blame-shifting, scapegoating, and any tactic that is required to avoid taking any responsibility or suffer the narcissistic injury of even greater shame.” – Amy Adam

Why They Keep Coming Back

As mentioned in the 5th and 6th points, narcissists most likely won’t disappear forever in response to a fight or drama. They might simply apologize or ignore whatever happened to restore the status quo. They might promise they will change. But they come back because they actually need their partner (or even romantic interests on the side) to continue feeling safe and needed. However, their number one priority isn’t to simply love, be loved and evolve as a human being; it is to fiercely defend and hide from their real pain. So if a trigger occurs, expect aggressiveness or manipulation instead of a mature and loving response. This is why many narcissists become uncontrollably abusive and controlling. The pain spills out, and they always respond with fear rather than love. (Responding to our pain with love is a challenge we actually all need to embrace!)

The Codependent’s Defence Mechanism

(Chances are that’s you if you’re reading this article.)

Codependents are usually at the receiving end of the stick, walking around the eggshells of the narcissist’s defences. But the truth is, the eggshells you walk around are also the emotions YOU are afraid to feel. When your narcissist partner flips out on you, makes you feel flawed and deserts you… how do YOU feel? Abandoned? Heartbroken? Love-starved? Afraid? Lost? Not good enough? Do you try anything to get them to turn around and love you again? Do you just want the perfect honeymoon phase to come back and swear you’ll walk around his/her eggshells better next time? See, that’s also the behaviour and thought pattern of someone who would rather close the lid on pain and sacrifice depth and realness in the name of a superficial fairytale.

Narcissists are the ones who set the rules and pace of the game (manipulator), while codependents try to keep up with the game (manipulated). But the fact remains that both are playing a game that revolves around avoiding core issues that need resolving in both parties.

Whenever the honeymoon phase is restored and your narcissist partner morphs back into the same charming Romeo/Juliet you originally fell in love with, it might look and feel good for a while… but it doesn’t mean you won’t smell what’s rotting in the backyard. The issues are still there, you’re just not picking up the trash.

Narcissist & Codependent – The Mutual Core Issue

If this constant pattern of apologizing and changing yourself to keep the peace and get his or her love back sounds like you, then you have similar (if not the same) abandonment issues he or she has. The only difference is that he or she may be resisting going deeper altogether, while you desire it. Your walls of protection are a little thinner. You are on the fence. You want to heal your wounds, but you mistakenly believe your healing depends on your narcissist partner not abandoning you.

The truth is: they have abandoned themselves. This is where you both do the same thing in different ways. You both have abandoned yourselves, denied yourself of self-love, and put all faith in being saved by others.

The sad truth is that believing someone else can save you tends to recreate the same experience of abandonment by attracting the same kind of relationships over and over again… which might actually get you to adopt narcissistic defences yourself due to the heartbreak it keeps causing!

Both narcissists and codependents believe their healing depends on each other’s love, not realizing that the only “love” they both continue to chase is a superficial buffer for the pain of abandonment they’re both afraid to feel. As the saying goes, you can’t heal what you don’t allow yourself to feel.

The Codependent’s Way Of Dodging Responsibility

1. If only he/she would let me in, we could heal and grow together.

If he/she does not genuinely want to heal and grow (promises to change as soon as you pull away do not count), hoping that you both can heal together is simply wishful thinking coming from a refusal to be with and heal your own pain. If you truly wanted to face your pain and grow, you would not cling to and wait for someone who is clearly doing everything they can to avoid doing just that.

The relationship dynamic won’t become more genuine, transparent, honest, and connected if one or both parties continues to flee true intimacy like a gazelle escaping a lion. Both partners need to meet themselves before they meet one another in a real and meaningful way. But it has to start with ourselves.

2. I am here to save him/her! I will feel healed and fulfilled once I succeed and then, I’ll have his/her love and presence.

I know from personal experience that any desire to save another usually comes from the desire to be saved. I would often “see his potential” and believe that “if only he would open up, I could then help him heal and we could achieve greater intimacy.” I was doing it for me, so that I can be finally be held by a loving man without interruption (Daddy issues). I actually wanted the saving, but it turns out that I needed ME to “save” and love me – not expect it from another while having no relationship whatsoever with myself. This is precisely what I am in the process of learning today: building a strong and loving relationship with myself!

The by-product of choosing to unconditionally love and heal ourselves is the ONLY way to inspire others to do the same. It won’t happen by us trying to save anybody. People don’t change through us diplomatically convincing them to, it happens through us leading by example without expectation. Energy speaks much louder than words!

3. Maybe things will change one day. In the meantime, I just want his/her love to keep soothing me.

I don’t think I need to explain that one much further. It is basically the choice to put up with an unhealthy relationship and settle for crumbs of “love” here and there, because you believe that’s all the love you can get (or deserve). It is the passive acceptance of what hurts you. It is hurting yourself deliberately.

But once someone loves themselves and finally sees their own value, they will not tolerate anything less than relationships that reflect that same quality of love.


That last paragraph right there is, I believe, the ultimate lesson that narcissists are there to teach us. Yes, they are wounded and insecure. But we are too. And the only way to stop the cycle of hurt is by tending to our own pain and insecurity with love and compassion.

When we do so, we’ll begin attracting loving and compassionate relationships simply because our relationships reflect us! But first, we must be honest with ourselves about the pain we carry and accept that we must feel to heal. Otherwise, we’ll keep attracting mirrors until we truly face what they reflect in us. And that’s okay too! It is life’s loving way of orchestrating life events that will bring us closer to a space of self-love, empowerment, and fulfillment.

P.S. And don’t worry… narcissists will get there too (whether in this lifetime or another). But it’s not your job to fix them.

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Consciousness

Supermoon In Libra: Relationship Adjustments

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We are having a Full Moon in Libra on March 20th-21st depending on where you are located in the world. This is the peak of the Lunar cycle that began on March 6 with a New Moon in Pisces. It will also be the last of three back to back Supermoons happening in 2019, which is when the Moon appears larger and brighter due to its closer proximity to the Earth. The previous one in February was the brightest of the three.

This Full Moon coincides with the Equinox, which is the beginning of Aries season (via the Tropical Zodiac) and is the first of 12 signs. Traditionally, some cultures observe this period as the beginning of a New Year, which makes much more cosmological sense than the calendar New Year. Even this transition from dreamy and floaty Pisces to active and direct Aries tends to be the most obvious and noticeable transition between signs.

During this Full Moon, we can experience either a push-pull or collaboration between the Sun in Aries and Moon in Libra. The energies of it gradually build up and become more noticeable on the day of and days surrounding it. It is also part of the backdrop of the other astrological influences/reflections over the following two weeks.

Aries and Libra are two out of the four Cardinal signs which are the first signs of each quarter of the zodiac. They all have an initiating quality in their own way. Aries is a fire sign ruled by Mars. It is about action, moving forward, pioneering, independence, self-identity, self-orientation, and leadership. It is bold, courageous, and instinctual, yet it can also be aggressive, impulsive, impatient, selfish, and hot tempered.

Libra is an Air sign ruled by Venus. It is about relating, relationships, partnerships, codependency, consideration, harmony, balance, fairness, art, creativity, and beauty. It is sociable, diplomatic, and intellectual, yet it can also be indecisive, passive aggressive, vain, and even judgemental. Although Aries is much more of an initiating sign in comparison to Libra due to the qualities mentioned above, Libra still expresses its Cardinal energy socially and towards consideration.

An interesting thing to mention is that this Full Moon happens right at the beginning of Libra at 0 degrees due to it occurring  on the Equinox. This degree tends to be more potent and sometimes can reflect exploring new experiences or actions connected to that sign.

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Full Moon Opposite Sun/Chiron Conjunction, Quincunx Uranus

The Sun is aligned with Chiron, which brings its themes into the opposition of this Full Moon. This could trigger wounds, blockages, and patterns connected to self-identity, independence, willpower, ego, or other Aries themes mentioned in the section above. It can also reflect potential healing, bridging or uniting two parts of something, holistic awareness, and combined with the current Mercury Retrograde in Pisces it could also have a spiritual tone. This can be a source of either potential challenges and/or growth around relationships at this time.

The Full Moon is in a quincunx with Uranus in Taurus, which could reflect changes, surprises, disruptions, new experiences, rebellion, or other curve balls being thrown at us that may require some adjustments. In many cases it will be connected to the themes of the Aries-Libra opposition mentioned and can play out in our relationship dynamics, but it can also manifest in other ways. In Taurus it could have something to do with money, possessions, or values.

Venus Square Mars and Sextile Jupiter, Mars Trine Pluto

Venus, the ruler of Libra, is in Aquarius while in a tight square with Mars in Taurus, which is the ruler of Aries. This aspect emphasizes the potential challenges of this Full Moon. The way we or others assert our personal wants, values, or resources can be at odds with social or romantic aspects of our lives. However, this aspect can also be supportive creatively or sexually, especially considering that Venus is also in a harmonious aspect with Jupiter.

Venus in a sextile with Jupiter in Sagittarius can reflect growth, learning, and overall expansiveness in different types of relationships. In some cases it can be connected to travel/foreign countries, social media, education, and beliefs. However, the developments that could occur might require adjustments in how we assert ourselves.

Mars is in a trine with Pluto, which can be good for actions that are focused, deep, and powerful. It can also be good for applying ourselves in a confident or empowering way and towards making positive changes.

Mercury Retrograde Moving Towards Neptune Before Going Direct

Mercury has been retrograde in Pisces since March 5th, a day before this Lunar cycle started. This retrograde extends the strong Piscean energy into most of Aries season. The actual retrograde ends on March 28th; however, the following days can still feel retrograde-ish. The few weeks following are known as the ‘post shadow,’ which is when its themes conclude and things start to fall into place more smoothly and productively.

While Mercury is transitioning from retrograde to direct, it will be aligned with Neptune. Our intuition can be heightened and we can be divinely inspired. Our thoughts and communications can be revolved around spirituality, compassion, empathy, and sacrifice. This can be a period of magical experiences or interactions with others. However, this can be challenging for rational and linear thinking. We can overlook mundane details easily and can also be confused. You can read more about this retrograde here.

Things To Consider During This Period

What recurring themes have been coming up for you in recent weeks, and what directions are your circumstances pushing you towards? How can you balance your individual needs with your relationship’s needs? Do you or others in your life have any wounds or blockages getting in the way? If so, what can you do to resolve or address the situation?

These are just some examples of themes that could come up during this period; however, there may be other variations of this energy playing out as well.  If you wish to do any sort of intentional release connected to what has come up at this Full Moon, it is best to do so anytime over the two weeks following, when it is waning. The exact moment of this Full Moon is on the night of March 20th/21st at 1:43am Universal Time. You can click here to see what that is in your time zone.

I am extending my Sale on Astrology Readings until the end of March. 20% – 30% off! More information here.

Follow me on INSTAGRAM, FACEBOOK, and YOUTUBE for more astrology related content.

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A Simple Trick To Unlock Determination & Focus

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In Brief

  • The Facts:

    In a world filled with distractions, the ability to lock in and focus has become harder and harder to master. But rather than looking outside of yourself for a solution, the key may just lie within.

  • Reflect On:

    How many notifications do you receive daily? Are there any Apps that rather than always receiving notifications from you could instead just check at certain times?

A recent study revealed that in the United States, the average smartphone user receives 45.9 push notifications per day, and many of us exceed that number. From Facebook to Instagram to Twitter to WhatsApp to Gmail, everything is constantly vying for our attention.

As a result of this overload, we’re experiencing a collective inability to focus at our highest potential and a reality where the majority of us are consistently fighting off some sort of urge to do something else.

(Fun Fact: Even as I’ve just started to write this article I’ve already seen my phone light up twice with notifications. I’ve now followed my own rules and have turned it over to lock in on the task at hand–more on this later.)

Even if you are part of the dying breed of individuals who have sworn off social media, although you finding and reading this article suggests otherwise, we all seem to be having an incredibly difficult time staying focused.

And with every useless scroll through our Instagram news feed and with every endless YouTube video rabbit hole we fall into, we only further shrink our attention span and strengthen the programming that convinces us that this is normal behaviour.

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Assuming that part of why you clicked on this article is because you do have something that you ideally would like to focus on and ultimately accomplish, I’d like to share with you the best tactic I’ve personally found (and some bonus ones) to “lock in.” Believe it or not, this tactic is not a specific exercise, but is instead designed for you to realize that you still have an incredible ability to focus within you. It hasn’t gone anywhere, it’s just been misguided.

In fact, it’s likely getting more use than you could ever imagine.

The best way to explain this further is by using an example. Think of the last time you either: A) lost your phone, or B) forgot to bring a charger and realized that your phone was about to die.

The moment that either of those realities kick in for most of us, we immediately enter a state where nothing else matters. In scenario A, we search everywhere possible, call it from any other device we can get our hands on, and seek out the assistance of everyone available. In scenario B, despite being an introvert on the daily, we suddenly find ourselves engaging in conversation with everyone by asking for a charger, and if one can’t be found we start planning our exit no matter how much fun we’re having pre-low battery.

We’ve all experienced and have seen this before. When assessed like this, it likely sounds like a form of insanity–and I wouldn’t be surprised if it is–but from a completely different perspective, it’s actually fully “locked in” determination.

You see, we all have the capacity to focus on one particular thing and give all of ourselves to it, it’s just that our auto-pilot has become the opposite because of the sheer number of distractions we are exposed to and have become addicted to.

So rather than looking outside of yourself for some practice or technique that’s going to help you focus and finish writing that book, completing the homework, or finally send out those wedding thank you cards, look within and realize that you are still a determination powerhouse just waiting to be re-guided.

Bonus Tips: 1) When working on something important, put your phone on silent and either put it in another room or face down on your desk. 2) Consider turning off notifications and instead just check certain apps at particular points in the day. I’ve personally turned off all notifications from Facebook, Instagram and all audible email pushes.


For more brutally honest personal development content designed for those who actually want to change be sure to subscribe to my YouTube Channel and to follow me on Instagram. And to receive my free eBook on 5 Simple Daily Hacks For A Genuinely Happier Life click HERE.

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Consciousness

Indigenous Leaders Share the Prophecy of the Reunion of the Condor and Eagle (VIDEO)

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In Brief

  • The Facts:

    Indigenous cultures from around the globe all share a prophecy about the time we are living in now. It states that the people of Earth will unite in some sort of spiritual awakening with the common goal of peace on Earth.

  • Reflect On:

    Think about how much human consciousness has changed within the past 10 years alone. We are starting to see through the lies and deception, we are starting to realize that it's really time to change things here on our planet. We are in the process.

Indigenous cultures today struggle to remember their teachings. It doesn’t help that the western world portrays them in a certain light, but the fact remains that indigenous cultures were extremely advanced. They understood how to live in harmony with the Earth, and their teachings were very profound, insightful and spiritual. You don’t need to look far to see how knowledgable they were, and their knowledge of our planet, the cosmos, science and mathematics still baffles experts today. How they were able to acquire certain knowledge and build various structures is still a mystery, as many of these things would be difficult to replicate even using modern technology. We see this with the pyramids built by various indigenous cultures throughout history, pieces of artwork, and several other anomalous artifacts that really don’t receive much media attention. These people were highly advanced, but unfortunately colonization and the arrival of the Europeans changed all of that. I still get upset when I hear people interpret these cultures as very ‘primitive,’ as if they just lived in forests. That interpretation is very far from the truth.

Scholars have estimated that, prior to the ‘discovery’ of the Americas by Europeans, the pre-contact era population could have been as high as 100 million people. American anthropologist and ethnohistorian Henry F. Dobyns, most known for his published research on American Indians and Hispanic peoples in Latin and North America, estimated that more than one hundred twelve million people inhabited the Americas prior to European arrival. (source)(source)(source)

When these cultures were wiped out, so were their teachings, knowledge and wisdom. It was replaced with religious indoctrination, and indigenous cultures throughout the world, especially in North America, have since struggled to regain and retain the knowledge and teachings that were lost.

But things are changing.

These cultures also had prophecies, and many of them speak of a time when all of this knowledge would be lost, but then would eventually return to Earth. Prophecies speak of indigenous cultures and bloodlines reuniting. We’re living in a special time right now because that ancient indigenous prophecy wasn’t just referring to the ‘spiritual awakening’ of their own people, but of the entire planet, and this is the process we’re going through today.

It gives me chills just thinking about it. The time has come where many desire a cleaner, greener, more cooperative human experience where everybody can thrive. Humanity has the potential to live in peace and meet the needs of everyone easily. We can live in harmony with nature and work with it, not against it.

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Here at Collective Evolution, we refer to this time as the shift in consciousness, and we are currently living through it. The ‘darkness’ is being exposed, and this ‘darkness’ has primarily relied on the manipulation of human consciousness. Our thoughts, feelings and perceptions about what is happening on our planet have been completely altered by the same forces that once sought to wipe out indigenous knowledge and implant their own ideals. Just as the surviving indigenous after European arrival were brainwashed and indoctrinated, we too have been brainwashed and indoctrinated.

Today, we live in a society that manipulates our consciousness in order to justify wars, wars based on false premises. We are made to believe that, even with all our technological advancements and potential to provide abundance for all, that this is not ‘economically feasible.’ We’ve been made to believe that our medicines are helping us, and that we can ‘out-do’ nature and rise above it. So many of humanity’s actions are not in harmony with the planet and all life on it.

Thankfully, this mass spiritual awakening is here. Not only is humanity becoming aware of the fact that we can change the human experience to one that resonates with all, but we are also realizing that we’ve been manipulated, that we have the power to change, and that a world beyond our physical material world exists. Non-material science is becoming stronger, and awareness of the metaphysical world is becoming the norm.

Many activist movements are growing, and truth movements and campaigns have been gaining attention and popularity for years. We are no longer sitting idle, we are raising our voice, we are acting, and we are bringing about a shift in consciousness and a spiritual awakening that was prophesied  long before we were even here. It’s a beautiful time to be alive, and the best way to bring about peace, love, unity and cooperation is to embody these qualities within ourselves.

Below is a video of indigenous leaders and elders sharing and explaining the current transitional time that we are living in.

There have been wounds of injustice, of oppression, of colonization, of greed, of superstition, all those things which injure the human heart. At the same time there’s been no way for this to be expressed, it’s been held inside. So this ancestral wound is this wound that’s been carried on from generation to generation to generation, this intergenerational trauma. But it was also prophesied  and promised that after a period of 500 years that a great, great spiritual spring time would emerge with such power and such intensity that all that had been covered in the cold bitter snow would be revealed and cleansed and purified. And that we would emerge galvanized, reunited as not only the reunion of the Condor and Eagle, but a reunion of the entire human family. This time is now. (This quote was taken from the video below.)

The Takeaway

We are truly living in an apocalypse. But that doesn’t mean it’s the end of the world, but rather a disclosure or revelation of knowledge. A lot of truths are being exposed today within several different subjects, be it food, politics, health, etc. We are being presented with knowledge that severely contrasts what we’ve been indoctrinated to believe. Having our collective belief systems questioned and challenged is not an easy process, and many are still fighting to hang on to old ways and belief systems. This is all part of the current spiritual transformation/shift in consciousness that the human race is experiencing as a collective. It’s all part of these ancient prophecies.

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The demand for Collective Evolution's content is bigger than ever, except ad agencies and social media keep cutting our revenues. This is making it hard for us to continue.

In order to stay truly independent, we need your help. We are not going to put up paywalls on this website, as we want to get our info out far and wide. For as little as $3 a month, you can help keep CE alive!

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