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Grief Work: Love’s Saviour

“If we can’t befriend our grief, we can’t as truly and deeply embody joy or gratitude and the capacity to love in integrated fashion. Love, then, is forged from embracing and skillfully working with all our emotions.”

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Take a moment and breathe. Place your hand over your chest area, near your heart. Breathe slowly into the area for about a minute, focusing on a sense of ease entering your mind and body. Click here to learn why we suggest this.

Grief work is the mourning of unresolved, past pain in our body-minds. Clearing these historical love wounds frees our hearts.

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Sharing our grief with others is healing and supportive. Ultimately, however, grief is our own to bear, especially because any single grief event can activate what I call our “treasure chest of woes”—any of our ungrieved losses. Each loss, therefore, is an opportunity to clear out our hearts.

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The degree to which we’ve tended to our heart’s pain in years past influences the quality, duration, and depth of our current loss, and therefore the extent of our grief work. For this reason, every experience of loss is an opportunity to cleanse both past and present pain from our body-mind, to which this short poem speaks:

FLINT

Small sadness
You arrive
A flint, igniting

A world of woes

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In my breast.

The result of passing through wholehearted grief is to be able to love more deeply and broadly. This is because heartache is cleared by grief and because our capacity for empathy and compassion grows from heartbreak when we stay present with it. When we can embrace and strangely rejoice in our own grief, we can show up courageously for others in pain and help them into more love.

We gain this capacity for kindness by compassionately showing up for ourselves and being supported by others in distress. In this, we don’t so much try to fix another’s pain; instead, our empathy is able to connect with their depths to hold space for their organic migration into clearer waters. This doesn’t mean we have to stay silent; it does mean that our words are connected to our heartfelt empathy, which in turn is attuned to the somatic experience of the bereaved.

This comprehensive presence or attunement from another can be palpably felt. I think we all can sense this quality in another. We know when we are in their presence. They are the kind of person who has stayed present through the storms of loss and struggle in their own life without turning away, forging them into a living work of art, depth, and wisdom that can’t be gained through study or knowledge alone.

These people are the depth healers through times of collective crisis, holding space for the pain to be expressed and released so it doesn’t fester and contribute to PTSD, apathy, and the enduring suffering that result from not dealing with grief.

Grief is also intrinsically related to anger. The two are Yin and Yang emotions, respectively, and intimately influence one another. What we have not grieved will often manifest as violence, acting out, and malevolent anger. Allowing ourselves to grieve is therefore a form of self-care and a radical path to joy. Conversely, what we have not allowed ourselves to be upset about also can show up as perpetuated sadness, depression, and a muting of our vitality, which is a kind of numbing not to be confused with the muted (Yin) aliveness of healthy grief. Many will turn this anger against themselves, resulting in self-harm and depression. This dynamic is captured in the expression “depression is anger turned inwards.”

If we can’t befriend our grief, we can’t as truly and deeply embody joy or gratitude and the capacity to love in integrated fashion. Khalil Gibran conveyed it this way:

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain . . .  
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. 

Love, then, is forged from embracing and skillfully working with all our emotions. In particular, growing in love derives from the heart-breaking-open power of grief, such that grief and joy are different sides of the same coin. The more we care about things and people, the more we grieve when we lose them, which is inevitable. As a result, the more we grieve the more our hearts open and broaden, eventually filling in with compassion and empathy, as long as we stay open and process our difficult emotions effectively.

To hold back from attaching and caring is to suffer another kind of pain—that of not living fully. Grief work, then, gives us the antidote, the radical security, to care for our world and to live more fully. Grief work is psychic medicine to recover from life’s inevitable losses and disappointments. Because we have no sustainable choice but to grieve in the face of loss, grief is the portal into wholeheartedness and the other side of suffering: passion, creativity, connection, depth, compassion, and belonging.

Grief Does Us

Loss is humbling. Grief instills humility in us, the humility of not being in control, not winning, and of being taken down to the the ground, to the level of humus, from which the word humility derives. Grief brings the humility of vulnerability and openness, so long as we stay true to heartbreak’s breaking us open. Grief’s action to take us down and deeper, to slow us down, and to break our hearts open is how it engenders deep, abiding love in us. Compassion and empathy come with this territory.

Grief work confers another boon: it teaches us simplicity because it schools us in “doing without,” which is the letting go process. Grief is a kind of desert, one that ripens us into being more robustly humane. In grief, we fall away from many usual interests and distractions; we learn to survive and then thrive from this void. This way grief helps us minimize and thrive, as we gain more by facing our heartache than numbing it away with entertainment and frivolous distractions. This helps us reduce our carbon footprint and pollution of all kinds.

When we pass through grief we realize something else: we don’t grieve as much as grief grieves us. We also don’t choose (for the most part) how long we grieve. It shows up and stays as long as it needs to. There does come a time when we might gently effort ourselves out of grief, once we’ve endured its depths. In its nadir, grief transforms us by dissolving our pain, lightening our heart-load, and leaving the inner path from our core self to our expression in the world more clear and potent. Who embodies this clear and robust path, rich with “spiritual” groundedness and wisdom (gained from staying true to moving through pain), is the kind of person that can support others through loss.

To stymie grief is to sabotage love. It is also to consolidate pain inside us, which then acts like a radioactive toxin that continues to emit pain inside us and to the world. This taints every aspect of our lives, especially our relationships. This “radioactive” pain, however, is different from the pain we befriend and accept in embodied grief. Because the former is unconscious, it is expressed as violence, abuse, fanaticism, and misplaced anger . . . all of which amount to projection and displacement of emotion for a failure to embody the root of these disseminations, which is the acute pain of our grief.

We see, then, the importance of befriending inevitable pain once it has arrived.

Love’s Shadow

Grief is crucial for full-bodied, comprehensive love. For grief helps to mitigate love’s shadow that isn’t accessed, and many times is enforced, by the love we already have in hand. It may be that love is all we need, as the root cure for unnecessary human misery and the destruction we cause to the planet. Yet, because so many focus primarily on the bright and easier side of loving, love’s shadow—as the result of our failure to embody grief—continues to act out and wreak havoc.

We see love’s shadow, for example, in the violence perpetrated by some gurus, priests, leaders, “spiritual” pundits, and other luminaries — those who show their bright side without dealing with their darkness. It’s for this reason that when I used to seek out gurus and self-help speakers, I would eventually ask them all one, same question: “How do you address pain?” Those who sidestepped the question, or avoided embracing it face-on, were inevitably the teachers I let go of. Speaking of which, I now add practicing good thinking to the list of crucial factors to dealing with pain and becoming a sustainable lover.

Grief is not virulently dark. It only becomes infertile and lethal when we don’t accept it. When we do, it makes our psyche, and indeed our body, fertile—sustainable to grow more genuine and holistic love and care in the world — because this kind of love is made of integrated light and dark, joy and pain, just as Gibran relates.

Like plants that need both sunlight for their foliage and darkness for their roots, without addressing both the light and dark sides of love, we can’t thrive and become what we deep down know we are capable of in our heart of hearts. If we don’t tend to our inner work, we can’t create what Charles Eisenstein calls “the more beautiful world our hearts know is possible.”

Grief As Guru

For these reasons, we should not just try to get through grief, but pause with it. We can summons the courage and curiosity to see what it has to teach us by letting it have its way with us for a time. This learning, however, is not only didactic, but almost unspeakably somatic in the way that it clears our pain. For this, we only need to allow ourselves to feel and follow grief’s pain deep into our hearts; it knows what it’s doing and secretly promises to leave us better for it.

The great poet Rilke invites us to consider: “Why would you try to reject any discomfort, any misery, or sadness? After all, you don’t know what these forces are working inside you.” And for grief’s intellectual and aphoristic wisdom it confers, we can be aware of and reflect on how grief and heartbreak operate in us, as I have attempted to summarize in this writing and to which I dedicate more comprehensive coverage to in this audio.

Running from grief because it seems too painful is short-sighted. Embodying, accepting, and finding the most appropriate ways to address the painful emotions that come our way ensures that we become the fullest human beings we can. Our lack of wisdom to welcome and embody grief shortchanges our humanity and, in my opinion, is a root cause for our inability to generate the real-deal compassion needed treat one another and the planet more kindly.

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Consciousness

New Moon In Aries: Taking Bold Action

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Take a moment and breathe. Place your hand over your chest area, near your heart. Breathe slowly into the area for about a minute, focusing on a sense of ease entering your mind and body. Click here to learn why we suggest this.

We are having a New Moon in Aries during the later hours of April 11th in the Americas and on the 12th everywhere else in the world. This is initiating a 29.5 day lunar cycle and new wave of energy for the coming month; however, the astrological configurations mentioned throughout this article will be more prominent over the following two weeks. This cycle will include a Full Moon in Scorpio on April 26th/27th.

Aries season began at the Equinox (on March 20th globally this year) as it always does, as per the framework of the Tropical Zodiac. Being the first of twelve signs, and initiator of a transitional season, it begins the Astrological New Year. However with this New Moon actually occurring in Aries as well, it will crank up the energies of this sign even more so in comparison to the previous weeks that were initiated by a New Moon in Pisces.

Aries is the domain of self, independence, and individual needs. As a Cardinal Fire sign ruled by Mars, it is assertive, courageous, direct, pioneering, and leading. It is initiating, quick, bold, energetic, and warrior-like. Negatively, this energy can be inconsiderate, selfish,  hot tempered, combative, restless, impatient, aggressive, and overly competitive. Aries lacks thoroughness due to its quick forward energy. .

New Moon Conjunct Mercury & Venus In Aries

This New Moon is close to both Mercury and Venus. This can reflect a period in which our social interactions and engagement with others can be more lively. Both Mercury and Aries have a busy moving type of energy and we may feel more active, physically and/or mentally, as a result.

The conjunction of both of these planets with this New Moon also means it is tied into cycles that each of those planets have with the Sun. Venus recently joined the Sun in the last week of March and it is now travelling ahead of it in zodiacal position.

In recent weeks this has been a time in which we experienced shifts, developments, endings, beginnings, or more clarity around Venus areas of friends, love, social dynamics, values, worth, or financial matters in some cases. This New Moon and the weeks following can continue this process, especially when it comes to beginnings or newer ways of expressing ourselves in these areas.

Mercury is now approaching the Sun as they will make their conjunction on April 18th/19th. At that time we may experience developments, which may be significant, connected to what has transpired during its previous retrograde in February and how things have unfolded since then. From there, these things may develop further with a better perception, or circumstances may indicate lack of sufficiency, not what was anticipated, or that something needs to change.

Planets In Aries Square Pluto & Sextile Mars Trine Jupiter

This New Moon, along with Venus and Mercury, are in a square with Pluto and sextile with Mars and Jupiter. Pluto combined with Aries and Mars energy can reflect a period of intensity. However, it can also play out as issues around power, control, manipulation, jealousy, insubordination, or subversion.  It can also be revealing, psychological, compulsive, transforming, and purging.

The sextile with Mars in Gemini adds to the lively, assertive, instinctual, and energetic expressions of Aries. The Aries’ planets sextile to Jupiter, which is also trine Mars, can be good for applying ourselves in a way that is expansive, optimistic, educational, philosophical, explorative, freedom seeking, or centered around beliefs. New doors may open up and it can even be lucky for some people.

Uranus square Saturn (mentioned here in a previous article) is still in the backdrop as it will be throughout the year. Although it’s not in one of its strong periods, themes of ‘freedom/rebellion/revolution being at odds restrictions/limitations/traditions are still playing out. This may get activated in different ways by this new lunar cycle and the Aries energy that has already been present over the previous weeks following the Astrological New Year.

Making Intentions & Things To Consider

How would you like to grow and expand and what do you need to change to get there? In what areas do you need to be more bold or courageous? What have your relationships shown you in recent weeks? What is important for your individuality? What are your personal needs? What do you stand for and should you be fighting for it? Do you need to be a leader in any aspects of your life? Are there any new things that you want to explore?

These are just some examples of what to consider or focus your intentions on at this time. However, it is good to reflect on anything else that is coming up for you. It is generally best to make any intentions within the first 24 hours following a New Moon. The exact moment it will occur is 2:31am Universal Time on April 12th. You can click here to see what that is in your time zone.

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Consciousness

A Symbiosis of Humans & Technology – Changing The Conversation

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Take a moment and breathe. Place your hand over your chest area, near your heart. Breathe slowly into the area for about a minute, focusing on a sense of ease entering your mind and body. Click here to learn why we suggest this.

Have you ever noticed that discussions about transhumanism tend to focus on technology more than humanism? The journey to reaching our highest potential as a species is usually focused externally on the technology rather than internally on our conscious evolution. This is probably because people assume that conscious evolution is more about spirituality whereas technology is more having to do with the things humans create. The two paths are interdependent so we need more conversations between experts in each of these fields. It will only be through a recognition of the symbiotic nature between humans, their technology, and the environment that we will avert self-destruction.

trans·hu·man·ism (n.) 1. A belief that humans should strive to transcend the physical limitations of the mind and body by technological means. 2. A movement of people who espouse such a belief.

Standing at a Crossroads: The influence that technology has on society and culture is called, technodeterminism. Most of us carry mini supercomputers in our pockets called smartphones. These devices act as external brains which seamlessly integrate into most aspects of our life. Most of us are completely dependent on them for travel, work, communication, entertainment, and beyond. Take a moment to consider the future implications of augmented reality, artificial intelligence, machine-learning, mass surveillance, automation, genome editing, nanotechnology, and their potential influences on society, culture, and our environment.

When I think about these things, I can’t help but ask:

Why aren’t people like the Dalai Lama, Deepak Chopra, and Dr. Andrew Weil conversing more with people like Ray Kurzweil, Elon Musk, and Steve Mann?

Ancient Futures: It will become increasingly imperative for our most advanced technologies to be informed by the natural ethos of indigenous people blended with the emotional-intelligence of our enlightened spiritual masters. We must remember that the first humans who captured fire to light their cave, stay warm on a cold night, or cook their food were using technology. Anthropologists proudly call us humans “tool-makers” as one of the attributes that make us distinct from most species.

Paradigm Shift: Conscious evolution will require a concerted effort to communicate across silos and disciplines. Cooperation and collaboration towards collective goals will need to take the place of competition for personal gain. What are we hoping to accomplish, and at what cost? We are a risk-taking species and that drives us to exceed all our limitations. Let’s make these be calculated risks because with our technology also comes a great responsibility.

Start Within: Even our most sophisticated technology does not possess the complexities of organic systems. Computers and machines can do many things for us but they will never be able to feel for us. The realm of emotion is central and unique to our human experience yet it is only now starting to be recognized as a valuable form of intelligence.

Emotional intelligence (EI) is the ability to recognize one’s own and other people’s emotions, to discriminate between different feelings and label them appropriately, and to use emotional information to guide thinking and behavior.” -Andrew Coleman A Dictionary of Psychology

Research in multiple fields of study shows that curiosity, creativity, taking initiative, multi-disciplinary thinking, and empathy are skills that will redefine traditional beliefs about intelligence. The ability to accommodate new information requires a certain level of mental flexibility, humility, and ultimately character. It is through our ability to feel and process our emotions that our higher intelligence flourishes.

SuperHumans: Any sports fan knows that there are individuals who possess superhuman gifts. Think of popular sports stars like Michael Jordan, or any of the various extreme sports heroes who somehow manage the seemingly impossible. We also have the various musical or art prodigies who express the skills of a master before the age of 10. We have seen humans walk on red-hot coals with bare feet, walk a tightrope between skyscrapers, and exhibit mind-boggling feats of mental-focus, and will-power. Did you know that Wim Hof ran a half marathon barefoot on ice and snow, with a time of 2 hours, 16 minutes, and 34 seconds? Humans are capable of amazing things when they channel discipline, practice, creative brilliance, fearlessness and focus. We have barely scratched the surface of what is possible!

Global Meditation: This simple practice of quieting the mind, and bringing presence to one’s breathing has a long list of documented benefits that include enhanced neural connections, deep feelings of connection and well-being, as well as a strengthened immune system. When we compound this focused intention to include tens of thousands of people all over the world, we begin to literally shift planetary magnetic resonance. The science does not lie, we are potent electrical beings with the ability to focus consciousness and create beyond our wildest imaginations.

Everything technology offers is a reflection of the technology that we, as humans are. Learning to laugh at ourselves a little while delving into our emotions and to make room for possibilities beyond our currently held beliefs is essential for this journey. In order for us to create technology that is aligned with all of life and our planet, we must first become aligned with ourselves and each other. Global meditation is where we practice together!

We can no longer claim that a technology is advanced if it is destroying our skies and rivers or perpetuating harmful practices like war and domination. These are examples of misguided technologies. Our DNA has been informed by countless generations of evolution. It is time that we focus our consciousness towards the natural wisdom kept by indigenous people, while embracing the presence of enlightened spiritual masters. This will allow us to infuse our science and highest technological advancements with ecological and emotional intelligence for the benefit of all life.

Dive Deeper

Click below to watch a sneak peek of our brand new course!

Our new course is called 'Overcoming Bias & Improving Critical Thinking.' This 5 week course is instructed by Dr. Madhava Setty & Joe Martino

If you have been wanting to build your self awareness, improve your.critical thinking, become more heart centered and be more aware of bias, this is the perfect course!

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Consciousness

A Proven Technique To Neutralize Draining Emotional Reactions

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CE Staff Writer 9 minute read

In Brief

  • The Facts:

    We'll explore a simple scientifically proven technique to help neutralize emotional reactions that often drain our energy and reduce our ability to think clearly and make effective decisions.

  • Reflect On:

    How often do you check in to how you're are feeling? Do you feel you are able to self regulate your emotions easily?

Before you begin...

Coherent icon

Take a moment and breathe. Place your hand over your chest area, near your heart. Breathe slowly into the area for about a minute, focusing on a sense of ease entering your mind and body. Click here to learn why we suggest this.

Do you notice that you sometimes feel tired or fatigued but are not sure why? Maybe you can have a restful sleep and still wake up having a sense that your energy is not quite there? Maybe you notice yourself being reactive, having a short fuse and feeling unclear about what decisions to make? Maybe you say things to friends, family or people online that you later regret or didn’t truly mean. Much of this can have a lot to do with how we’re feeling emotionally on a regular basis. Emotions that are happening just a touch outside our conscious awareness.

Let’s just do a very quick check in to see what I mean. If you stop a take a moment right now to ask “how am I feeling?” What do you notice? Are you feeling good? Energized? Do you have a background tension? Are you a bit stressed? Annoyed? Are you relaxed and calm? Are you perhaps relaxed yet feeling blah? When we do these check ins we bring awareness to how we might be feeling. This is something we typically don’t do that often and thus are simply not consciously aware of how we feel. If we were a bit more consciously aware of how we felt, we’d have a greater understanding of what we could do to feel better as we know where we’re at.

Energy Loss

This is important because one of the greatest unrecognized sources of prolonged stress, fatigue and physical wear and tear on our bodies comes from living our day to day lives in a state where we consciously or subconsciously experience what we might call ‘draining emotions.’ These are emotions like worry, fear, anger, resentment, or sadness etc.

For each of us, we’re likely going to experience these emotions at some point in life, and this is normal. Typically when we experience these emotions, we’re getting an insight into ourselves. Since what triggers these emotions can often be subjective, we can learn something about our current self by paying attention to these emotions. For example, someone might cut us off while we’re driving on the freeway. On one hand, one person might react aggressively and become very angry, while another might simply see it as a mistake on the part of the other driver and move on with their day.

Why some of us react and others don’t typically comes down the the story we’re telling ourselves about why that person cut you off. Perhaps they take it personally, perhaps they see it as an attack in some way – who knows? You. Only you know, and you can get closer to knowing what that is so you don’t harbour that draining emotion for the rest of the day, and even remove the trigger to begin with so you don’t necessarily have to go down that angry road every time something small like this happens.

I want to be clear here, we’re not looking to avoid emotions or never experience them, we’re looking to gain awareness around why they come, and ultimately have the choice over what gets us bothered and what might be better to simply let go. There is a difference between momentarily feeling an emotion like this, and letting it become a ‘background state’ of being that slowly begins to shape our attitude towards unhealthy and draining tendencies.

We can likely go on all day about where we should ‘honor’ some emotions in some situations or stand up for ourselves in others – I’ll let you decide that within yourself for each situation, but what the focus here in this piece is to simply look at how we can neutralize an emotional experience so we can stop it from draining all our energy and gain greater clarity on why it might be happening.

The exercise below is geared towards improving our self awareness around situations and how we feel, so we can learn to self-regulate emotions at anytime, as well as turn off triggers that might not really be the greatest to have to begin with.

Remember, we’re going to stick with a situation where we are cut off in traffic, but you can use these steps for anything. Maybe you realize you are fearful about a situation. Maybe you notice ongoing worry about something that’s happening or may happen – whatever it may be, the steps can be applied.

A Quick 3 Minute Exercise

We’ll go through the steps, this might seem long at first but it’s actually very short once you get the hang of it. This method is based on decades of scientific researching involving the heart and the benefits of creating coherence through good heart rate variability. You can learn more about that here under the section “Coherence & Optimal Function.”

1. The first step is becoming aware of the fact you’re having the emotional experience. What we’re doing here is by reading this we’re setting up a bit of an increased self awareness in our minds that can help us remember to check in when we next have an emotional reaction to something. Perhaps the car cuts us off while driving, and we react, but then shortly after we remember that we want to have a closer look at that emotional reaction and perhaps choose a different response instead of going down an energy draining rabbit hole. So the first thing we want to do is become aware that the experience is happening.

2. The next step is accepting the experience that’s happening. What this means is, if the person in front of us cuts us off while driving and we get angry and realize we’re angry, bring to your awareness that this is OK. We’re not looking to create a judgement about what happened or what we’re experiencing, instead we simply want to see it for what it is, an experience that happened and we’re now aware of and sitting as an observer of it. What this does is it empowers us to be able to look a little more closely at what we’re feeling and why. After we become aware, take note of the emotion you’re experiencing and name it. Is it anger? Is it worry? Is it fear?

As a small kicker to this, just imagine that the intention here is to turn down the intensity of the emotion so we can go in a take a look at what’s going on in the same way that a firefighter will spray water onto a burning house to stop the fire and cool it enough to go in and assess what the source of that fire was.

3. Next we’re going to take a moment and place our hand or a couple fingers over the areas of our chest, around where your heart is, and use the placement of your hand as something to focus on. With your eyes open, take some comfortable yet slightly deeper breaths. Feel your breath moving in and out of the area of your heart (where you hand is). To do this, don’t worry too much about how perfect the breathing is or whether it’s exactly going in and our of your heart area, just sit with a gentle focus that your breath is moving in and out of the area of your heart. Our goal here is to bring awareness to the physical heart and begin to influence its rhythms ever so slightly. Breath into your heart for about 30 seconds.

4. Next we want to continue our heart focused breathing while also imagining the feeling of calm or ease enter into our bodies. Spend the next 2 minutes or so breathing in the feeling of calm or ease into your heart with comfortable breaths. Notice the calm and ease come over your mind and body. What this stage does is it shows us that we have the ability to produce our own emotional regulation by creating a physiological state that is more synchronized and favorable for introspection and clarity.

After step 4 you should feel a lot more neutral in your feeling, but it may be possible you’re still annoyed or upset about the situation, this is great and in many ways the point of the exercise. Remember the firefighter analogy.

If it’s a really small situation, this awareness might already help us choose to simply let it go. If it’s a larger situation, this exercise helps us reduce the intensity so we can gain a bit more clarity about what’s going on and stop us from simply circling the experience over and over again in our minds, potentially increasing our anger and draining our energy.

Now as a final step, you can take a moment to just assess, what is the story you have been telling yourself about the situation? What might be a more effective way to approach or think about the situation? In the case of getting cut off in the car, was it really personal? If so, how do you know? If it was a mistake, is anger helping you or just providing an undesirable experience? If you had the freedom, would you choose anger at the other driver or to just let it go and maintain better health?

The point here is that with awareness we get clearer on who we are and how we function. This inevitably gives us a choice in how we choose to react.

For more information on this and to build a bit of a deeper practice, you can check out a short course I produced in our members area called CETV. The course is called Improving Daily Self Awareness, Presence & Connection. 

Dive Deeper

Click below to watch a sneak peek of our brand new course!

Our new course is called 'Overcoming Bias & Improving Critical Thinking.' This 5 week course is instructed by Dr. Madhava Setty & Joe Martino

If you have been wanting to build your self awareness, improve your.critical thinking, become more heart centered and be more aware of bias, this is the perfect course!

Click here to check out a sneak peek and learn more.

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