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Admitting Your Grievances Against Your Partner: Your Best Hope For Healing Your Relationship

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In Brief

  • The Facts:

    Grievances hidden in your mind against your partner's habits and behaviors can impact your happiness and damage your relationship.

  • Reflect On:

    Is it possible to see that there is nothing truly 'wrong' with anything your partner does? What do you think your experience in your relationship would be like if you saw it that way?

One of the great challenges of long-term relationships is how we deal with things we simply don’t like about our partner. In the early courtship days those were the things that we could overlook amidst the bliss of a budding romance. But as time goes on and the early excitement slowly wears off, we are confronted with those recurring habits and behaviors of our partner that cause us anything from minor irritation to explosive anger.

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If you are clear that you are not completely happy with how you are experiencing your relationship, and you are open to any and all possibilities that have the potential to bring back greater intimacy, vitality and connectedness, it’s important to understand that all the power you need is within you. And I will explain that to you right here.

Self-Responsibility

The first key tenet here is accepting the notion that you are 100% responsible for your experience in your relationship. That can be a very difficult concept for people to accept, since one of the reasons many are in a relationship is to be with someone who will ‘make them happy.’ Yet, paradoxically, if you are truly going to be happy in a relationship, especially one that you hope will last, you need to stop believing that the other person has a responsibility to do things that will make you happy. Not only does this give your power away, but it sets you up to be able to blame your partner if they are not doing the things you ‘need’ them to do to make you happy. And herein lie your grievances. And a lot of your unhappiness.

Grievances

A grievance is not just something we don’t like about what our partner says or does; it’s something we hold in our minds as ‘wrong’, often subconsciously. When our partner does something that we don’t like, we may just bite our lip and try to ignore it. However, it is important that we don’t just bury our feelings about it–we need to admit to those feelings and then we need to forgive them for having done that thing.

But here’s where it gets subtle. Even if you forgive your partner in one particular instance, if you still hold what they did as bad and wrong, you will continue to hold a grievance about that kind of behavior. If your forgiveness is predicated on the belief that your partner should never do it again, then you are setting yourself up for disappointment, blame, even rage. Beyond your decision to forgive any particular action or behavior on the part of your partner, you have to be willing to let go of your judgment that said behavior is wrong.

True Acceptance

If you want to free yourself from the misery of blame and judgment, and in the process free your relationship from suppressed anger from the past, then you will endeavor to get over your pride and truly accept your partner as they are, and accept the things they do. True acceptance means that your underlying belief is that their behavior is not wrong–it just ‘is’, like a rainy day or the color blue. And there is no need to get them to change that behavior.

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Now–stay with me here–this is not to say that you need to condone behavior that you feel is clearly harmful to you. What you consider ‘harmful’ is really up to you, but verbal and certainly physical abuse falls into this category. What is imperative in this case, if you do not condone certain behavior, is to be fully willing to leave the relationship if that behavior continues. So don’t condone what is not acceptable to you, and fully accept the rest.

Note that tolerance is not full acceptance. Tolerance plays out in behaviors that you often don’t bother to comment about, but inside you find them annoying, frustrating, and essentially wrong. If you ever find yourself saying ‘Why do you always–?’ then you are dealing with a grievance based on past behaviors that you haven’t truly accepted although you may have tolerated. The frustration behind your complaints about your partner’s habitual behavior will be a good clue about how deep your grievance is in that matter. And it’s important to recognize that it is your grievance, not your partner’s behavior, that is the true source of your frustration. This is the way of thinking of people who are self-responsible.

If you are truly willing to examine your grievances, with a clear intention of letting go of them, self-honesty and awareness are the key. If you happen to have a partner who is of the same mind, and you are ready to work together in bringing back freshness and intimacy to your relationship that has been stolen away by grievances, here is something you can do.

Working Together On Your Grievances

1) Make a list of ALL the things that bother you about your partner, all the things that you feel have caused you pain in the past, all the things that you put up with but you don’t like, are annoyed with, angry about, even things that seem minor to you. Take your time, even if it takes a few days, and make a serious, comprehensive list, scouring your mind for all signs of resentment, bitterness, and disappointment. And of course, have your partner do the same thing.

2) Set some significant time aside to sit privately with your partner, at least two hours, even if it doesn’t end up taking that long. Let your partner list all their grievances they have against you; allow them to explain in as much detail as they want, and allow them to experience any emotions associated with those grievances. Listen carefully and don’t interrupt. When the person is finished, tell them “I heard you.” Then switch roles.

3) Now you can have a discussion on it. But that discussion will only be fruitful if you and your partner both have the desire to let go of your grievances against each other. You must be prepared to forgive each other for each grievance you have against them, and furthermore, let go of the judgment that any particular habit or behavior is wrong. In other words, you have to demonstrate that you are willing to love what you don’t like about your partner.

In this type of conversation, you are likely to find yourself much more inclined to listen to your partner’s grievances against you rather than resisting them, and you may even feel the desire to commit to your partner that you plan to stop doing some of those things or at least be more aware of them. This can be a nice byproduct of the conversation, just remember not to go into the conversation with the intention of getting your partner to change the behaviors you have grievances about.

Working By Yourself On Your Grievances

Now, in many cases, you may not have a partner who is willing or ready to go through the exercise described above. No matter. In realizing that you are 100% responsible for your experience in your relationship, you realize that letting go of grievances is really an internal process, even when you work on it together. And you know that in letting go of your judgments about what’s ‘wrong’ with your partner, you will get out of the habit of complaining and blaming your partner, and liberate yourself from the anger and frustration attached to some of your partner’s habits.

You may work on it in a formal way, making a full list of your grievances, and then reading them over, one by one, making an effort first to forgive your partner’s past behaviors, understanding they are human like you, accepting that they were doing the best they could at the time. And then, remind yourself that there is nothing wrong about this behavior, it just ‘is’, and you will endeavor to meet it with compassion the next time it happens.

A less formal way to practice is to notice your grievances as they arise, and try to step back from the judgments behind them after you notice a buildup of anger or resentment towards your partner for habitual behaviors you may have already told them you don’t like. At first, this will often happen only after you have complained (i.e. ‘Why do you always leave the lights on?’), but reminding yourself that you no longer hold this behavior to be ‘wrong’ will help dissipate your negative feelings and move you back into harmony with your partner. Eventually, you will remember that you don’t believe these behaviors are wrong even before you utter a word of complaint, and will experience more flow and peace in your relationship in general.

Now it must be said, that even if you let go of all your grievances against your partner, you may find yourself feeling unhappy, unsatisfied, or unfulfilled in the relationship. In this case, it may become clear to you that it is time to end the relationship. Having let go of your grievances, you are able to make a clear choice, not based on a buildup of anger and frustration that has become intolerable, but based on a deeply grounded perception of your relationship that tells you whether or not you want this partner to continue to be a part of your journey.

The Takeaway

Having grievances about some of your partner’s habitual behaviors is ultimately a prison of your own mind, and can be detrimental to your personal happiness and damaging to your relationship. If you are able to take the big leap–and indeed your ego will resist this every step of the way–to fully let go of the perceived ‘wrongness’ of any and all of your partner’s habits and behaviors, you are paving the way to greater inner joy, as well as providing the relationship with its best opportunity not only to survive but to thrive.

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Consciousness

Mercury Retrograde In Sagittarius: Revising Our Perspectives

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Mercury began the latest edition of its retrograde process on November 16th/17th, which will last until December 6th/7th. In the weeks (and especially days) leading up to it we start to notice its influence as Mercury slows down and comes to a stop before moving the other way. This is known as the ‘pre-shadow’ period which began on October 29th.

If you have read my previous Mercury retrograde articles, the first two sections of this article are nearly the same and you can skip to the third section if you don’t want to re-read all the general themes associated with these periods. The other sections are more specific to this edition of it.

Mercury retrograde is known for the problematic effects it often has on communication technology, transactions, motor vehicles, anything with moving parts, and commuting in general. Some people even get headaches near the beginning of it. We could experience some challenges, misunderstandings, and errors around our communications, numbers/details, and commerce, as well as changes, cancellations, or delays in our schedules. We may also feel more challenged when we are doing excessive analytical work without using our internal guidance.

Although there is a higher probability of experiencing more of these problems during this time, they won’t necessarily apply to every situation. Some people may not notice these energies as much, depending on what types of things they are doing and how the astrology is playing out unique to the person’s astrological blueprint.

Mercury Retrograde can also be a good time to revisit or redo tasks, projects, ideas, or anything else that was initiated in the past. It can give us a different perspective or shift in thinking that can help us to approach these things in ways we wouldn’t have done so before. This may also be a period of reconnecting with old friends, family, sometimes lovers, or others you haven’t seen in a while.

The Deeper Purpose of Mercury Retrograde

Ultimately, Mercury Retrograde is a time for us to recalibrate and adjust specific areas of our lives as well as how we apply our minds towards these issues. It is a period in which we may receive important insights and see things in a new light. In most cases, it can be mildly transformational, but in some cases it can facilitate more major transformations depending on how it corresponds to your personal astrological chart.

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During and following the retrograde, certain areas of our lives can go through changes or shifts, or we can experience a reorientation of some sort which influences how we proceed over the coming months or in some cases, it can have a more long-term significance. In the 2 weeks afterwards, known as the ‘post-shadow’ period, we move forward with some sort of new awareness, adjustment, as well as new ideas and thoughts that have been seeded which will develop as time progresses.

The things that you have been doing or circumstances in the two to three weeks leading up to this period could determine how and where this energy plays out. It is also possible that there could have been changes put in place at that time which may go through a sorting out process. There could have been unknown variables, both positive and negative, that were either unseen or hadn’t been conceived yet, which may become apparent over the coming weeks.

The sign(s) and element(s) in which Mercury retrograde travels shows the energy we are re-orienting ourselves with. More importantly, if you are more familiar with your natal astrology chart, your house(s) or any planetary placements being affected will show more specifically what areas of life you will be experiencing its energy in. For the astrologically literate, it began at 13’30 degrees of Leo and will retrograde all the way to 27’17 degrees of the Scorpio, before turning forward again.

This One Is Occurring Mostly In Sagittarius, Part of A Series In Fire Signs

Mercury retrograde always happens in primarily one element for more than a year. It is currently occurring in the Fire element which is about passion, creativity, instinct, inspiration, assertiveness, courage, confidence, and spirit. It also ends in the Water sign of Scorpio leading to the transition into Water signs which kicks off more so at the next Mercury retrograde in Pisces.

This Fire period is about re-aligning ourselves with these themes and expressing them in new or revamped ways. This ‘Fire process’ began in the spring of 2017 as it was transitioning out of Earth signs, with the first Mercury Retrograde to be completely in Fire occurring last December.

This one is more specific to a reorientation around Sagittarius themes, which is about beliefs, opinions, perspectives, teaching, hope, optimism, exploration, travel, and higher education. It is visionary and ‘big picture’ oriented. Sagittarius is also associated with marketing, sales, publishing, and media. It is idealistic, philosophical, and expansive. Expressed negatively, Sagittarius energy can also be judgemental, excessive, blunt, egotistical, argumentative, preachy,  too scattered, and have a ‘know-it-all’ complex.

Mercury Retrograde Begins With a Square To Neptune

Mercury in Sagittarius begins its retrograde in a square with Neptune in Pisces which it will return to at the end of the post-shadow period. The combination can make it a little difficult to focus and deal with details and facts. However, it can stimulate abstract thought and help us to perceive things symbolically.

An evolutionary theme of this retrograde for many people could be about the reworking of how we apply Mercury and Neptune energies together. Mercury rules communication, the mind, commuting, communication technology, and how we process information. Neptune is associated with creativity, imagination, visual or musical arts, selflessness, oneness, compassion, idealism, dreams, spirituality, and mysticism.

Negative expressions of this energy that may come up that we need to work on could be connected to deception, addictions, escapism, illusions, flakiness, delusion, confusion, and lack of boundaries. Then you can also factor in the Sagittarian themes mentioned above.

Jupiter Recently Entered Sagittarius, Venus Finished Retrograde

The ruler of Sagittarius, Jupiter, has returned to its own sign on November 8th where it will stay until December 2019. Jupiter, the planet of expansion, rules the same things associated with Sagittarius and therefore this combined with the current Mercury retrograde really amplifies the Sagittarian themes mentioned earlier in the article.

Mercury will be aligned with Jupiter on its retrograde path which indicates that certain things that play out over the next month will help to set the stage for what Jupiter will bring into our lives over the next year. This month can be a period of tremendous learning, and perhaps even revamping certain perspectives, and how to incorporate the ‘big picture’ in how we proceed following the retrograde.

Venus ended its retrograde less than half a day prior to Mercury going retrograde. For many people, the Venus related developments, issues, or reorientations that have come up in recent weeks might be connected to any adjustments Mercury will be facilitating.

Venus will be in its post-retrograde shadow period until mid-December which will be 11 days after Mercury ends its retrograde. As time progresses over the next month, there will be more forward momentum around Venus-ruled areas of relationships (romantically and socially), values, money, pleasures, or perhaps something to do with aesthetics.

Mercury Retrograde Timeline

*Below, are some of the dates and information for some of the major astrological configurations during this retrograde. However, I also regularly post about other astro energies happening on my social media via Instagram and Facebook, you can follow on those platforms for more forecast content.

Earlier dates are for those in the Western part of the world and later dates for those in the East.

Nov 16th/17thMercury begins its retrograde at 1:33 am Universal Time. The days surrounding this period are a time in which complications may be amplified, but you may also start to get a better sense of what these retrograde themes mean for you.

Nov 22nd/23rdFull Moon In Gemini. We may feel that we are being pulled in many directions and can get easily scattered and restless. There is a possibility of a clash, conflict, or competitiveness around of ideas and viewpoints. I will be doing a separate article on this Full Moon, join my mailing list here to be notified when it gets released.

Nov 25th-28th Mercury’s Inferior Conjunction, Mercury square Mars, Mercury/Sun Conjunct Jupiter, and Mars Sextile Saturn. This is that halfway point of Mercury retrograde and can be a period of increased insights yet complications can also be stronger at this time depending on how you are applying yourself. Ideas and thoughts that are seeded now may develop over the coming months. This can also be a period where we are more irritable, impulsive, and perhaps have some conflict in some cases. However this can also be a highly productive period if Mercury retrograde complications do not get in the way. This can be a very mind opening period, perhaps lucky and expansive. Considering the ‘big picture’ is a strong theme now.

Nov 30th – Dec 2nd Venus opposite Uranus, Mercury enters Scorpio while semi-sextile Venus, Mercury quincunx Uranus. Changes, disruptions, or surprises may come up at this time which may require some adjustments. This may affect relationships or financial matters, however, there is also a possibility of some exciting energy as well. Mercury shifting into Scorpio can help us think deeper or in an investigative way. Hidden matters connected to the past may come up.

Dec 3rd/4th – Mercury Trine Chiron and Lunar Nodes. There is a possibility for growth and healing at this time. There can be communications, connections or developments made which can benefit our future. Greater awareness of strengths and weaknesses can be beneficial for where we are headed.

Dec 6th/7th – Mercury Goes Direct in Late Scorpio with New Moon 10 hours later, Mars Conjunct Neptune. Mercury ends its retrograde and will slowly begin to move forward over the coming days. The areas of our lives that have been affected by this retrograde will start to become more clear and things will fall into place more easily. There will be a New Moon shortly afterwards which will help to kickstart new developments due to what has transpired.

Follow me on INSTAGRAM, FACEBOOK, and YOUTUBE for more astrology related content.

astrology, astrology readings, carmen di luccio

Looking for astrological insight into what is going on in your life? Or perhaps looking to better understand your life and its potentials? Get a personalized astrology reading with Carmen (author of this article) specific to you based on your exact birth date, time, and location. Click here for more information or to order.

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5 Real-World Examples of Time Travel That Prove It’s Real

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In Brief

  • The Facts:

    Time travel has been demonstrated in our world in multiple ways, but it's always been thought of as the stuff of science fiction. This article provides multiple real-world examples.

  • Reflect On:

    Humanity has made some interesting discoveries, and some of them we can't explain. As a result, we shy away from them and label unexplainable things as false as "pseudoscience." What are the implications of accepting these things as completely real?

Time travel is one of those fun topics that triggers visions of a young Michael J. Fox racing through time, literally, in the DeLorean, or Bill and Ted reliving famous moments in history thanks to their time-travelling phone booth. However, time travel isn’t just a movie plot line. It’s a real scientific phenomenon. Einstein’s theory of special relativity, after all, tells us that time slows down or speeds up depending on how fast you are moving relative to something else. So, we are all travelling through time on a daily basis. But it gets much spookier than that. Here are five real-world examples of time travel.

Astronauts

Time travellers are walking around on planet Earth right now. And they work for NASA! Astronauts who spend time on the International Space Station or long rocket trips out in our solar system age slightly slower than the rest of us down here. Not enough to notice, but enough to measure (100 years of time in space equals one-second forward in time). That means astronauts are not just space travellers, but time travellers, too. For those who believe that aliens are visiting planet Earth in speedy spaceships, the evidence for time travel could even extend to UFO videos and photos of advanced, inter-dimensional craft, because if Earth’s astronauts are able to travel through time, more advanced extraterrestrial astronauts should be able to as well.

Jack Kasher, Ph.D, a professor emeritus of physics at the University of Nebraska, points out that there is another way, whether it’s wormholes or warping space, there’s got to be a way to generate energy so that you can pull it out of the vacuum, and the fact that they’re here shows us that they found a way.” (source)

The Science Lab

Time travel was once just a math equation jotted down on a notepad, a conversation topic over coffee, or the center of a sci-fi movie plot. But today time travel is a serious scientific study. In one recent experiment, Washington State University physicists were able to slow down the movement of particles so much that “negative mass” was created, causing the particles to accelerate forward when they were pushed away. The physicists concluded that the particles went backward in time! As well, physicists at the University of Queensland in Australia were able to make a single photon, or particle of light, go through a wormhole and interact with its older self on the other side.

There is also what’s called the delayed choice experiment. the delayed choice experiment illustrates how what happens in the present can change what happens(ed) in the past. It also shows how time can go backwards, how cause and effect can be reversed, and how the future caused the past. You can read more about that here.

Remote Viewers and Psychics

Scientists have yet to find a way for the human body to safely travel through time, but they may have figured out a way for the human mind to travel through time. According to Wikipedia, remote viewing is “the practice of seeking impressions about a distant or unseen target” using extrasensory perception, or ESP. In 1984, under the top-secret cover of the Stargate Project, the CIA conducted an experiment where they asked a human subject to remote view Mars in ancient times. Ingo Swann, a famed psychic who was part of the Stargate Project, claimed to have astral projected to Jupiter.

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Here’s one of the most recent, heavily sources articles CE published on Remote Viewing.

Psychics are more well-known than remote viewers. They seem to be everywhere, and come in all varieties, from the TV show host to the fortune teller to your aunt. Some police departments even hire psychics to help locate missing bodies. Then there are revered psychics like Edgar Cayce and religious figures like Jesus Christ who have made bold and incredible predictions about the future that all came true.

Dreams That Come True

It’s possible that every time we drift off to sleep, we have the potential to drift off to a different time and space. At least in our minds. Many people relate to the experience of having a premonition in a dream, and in fact, many have gone on record about their foreshadowing dream (or nightmare). For example, Jo Jo Billingsley, a vocalist for the 1970s band Lynard Skynard, dreamed about her band mates suffering in a plane crash the night before it happened. There was also the case of Abraham Lincoln, the 16th President of the United States, who reportedly dreamed about his death a few nights before he was assassinated.

Here is a more detailed article we’ve written on precognitive dreaming. Here is another one on dream telepathy.

Remembering Past Lives

The belief in reincarnation is an ancient one. Along with reincarnation comes the belief in past lives. But for some, it’s much more than a belief. Some people remember their past lives, starting from a young age like Sam Taylor, who shared memories with his late grandfather, or more commonly, after a hypnotherapy session. If it’s possible for the human brain to view a past life and learn from past life experience, then maybe the human brain is the best time machine of all.

Because most of us can’t time travel, the subject matter continues to hang out in sci-fi books and movies and doesn’t factor into our day-to-day reality. However, if time travel is real, the implications for humanity are really great. Time travel could explain other mysterious phenomena, like ghosts, UFOs, and even the Mandela Effect. Time travel could also motivate mankind to open up its mind to a new universe of possibility, where the secrets of the future and past are revealed. It can be argued that it’s only a matter of time before humanity unlocks the secret powers of time travel.

The Takeaway

There is still a lot we don’t know, and a lot of our most interesting science is locked away within black budget programs.  We are capable of so much and still have so much to discover about our reality and ourselves. When the human race is ready and our intentions shift to looking at ourselves as a whole, perhaps then these ‘knowing’ will be ready to be utilized by the public.

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Consciousness

Are You A ‘Self-Help’ Junkie Dying For REAL CHANGE?!

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In Brief

  • The Facts:

    The coaching industry is for the most part, unregulated. Anyone can decide they want to be a coach without having the skills, experience, self-awareness and depth of understanding of the complexities of the human condition, which are essential.

  • Reflect On:

    If you are considering or already working with a coach it is important firstly, that you are crystal clear on the primary role and responsibility you possess over your wellbeing.  And secondly, that you do due diligence on any coach you hire.

As someone who’s been working closely with clients for the past 16 years in a personal growth capacity and who, in that time has been working on myself and my own growth as well, my life has changed more than I could ever have imagined was possible.  I have been through many growth experiences that have seen me move countries twice, become a wife and a mother and now, I enjoy a beautiful existence in a small countryside town where I run my boutique-style business on Mallorca, off the coast of Spain.

My experience on both sides of the coaching and personal development industry however is what I want to highlight because it uniquely qualifies me to point out more than a few things.  I want to speak to, in my experience, the many folks who have been blindsided and gotten caught up in searching for their next ‘fix’, be it through coaches or coaching programs ‘designed’ to address your most dire life/relationship/money/health problems and needs.

As they refer to it in the industry, your ‘pain’.

The thing is, I have come to believe that many of the promises made by some of the players in the self-improvement industry, are built (most times unconsciously) upon inherent untruths and assumptions about who YOU, the consumer ARE.

I don’t only believe this for you.  I know it to be true because I, along with many of my colleagues and clients have been burned too.

I have have had to find another way.  I have had to find my own way.

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There are a significant number of coaches and coaching programs out there that simply FAIL to adequately acknowledge your inner resources, wisdom, resilience and strength, what you deserve, have the potential to create AND to bring these to the fore.

If your Facebook experience is anything like mine, these are the tentacles that reach out, flailing at you, trying to grab your attention every time you scroll down your feed.

It is both my observation and personal experience that as much as the industry is filled with practitioners who are conscious, in integrity and awake, it is also full of practitioners who, driven by their own fear, lack an overwhelming desire for a profitable bottom line, are unaware of the covert ‘personal development’ business building techniques they have been taught to bring unsuspecting, often vulnerable clients in.

Without calling any names, you can think here of some of the high-visiblity players in the industry.  Consider the fanfare and energy around their launches, the tone of their copy, the well-oiled funnels, landing pages and up-selling strategies they use to bring large numbers of clients in.  We are confronted by this kind of marketing everyday.  It would be interesting to know exactly what percentage of their students/clients feel, by the end of these programs, that the promises made had been fulfilled.  It is a number that we will never know, but what I do know is this…

Those who find themselves disappointed in their results and by extension, their coaches and themselves, THESE are the clients that tend to make the rounds because they feel forlorn, hopeless and lost.  These are the ‘personal development junkies’ who are searching for their next FIX.

If this is YOU, I invite you to stop whatever it is you’ve been desperately throwing your energy, attention, hopes and dreams at and take this truth in:

No matter what shiny new modality, course, coach, coaching program or product promises to change your life, here is what 9 times out of 10, they won’t say…or if they do, they have no idea how to hold the space needed for it to root itself into your muscle memory and bones…

More than anything, it takes confidence and self-belief as well as deep connection and communication with YOURSELF to create what you most desire and need.

In other words, if you haven’t been actively acknowledging this truth, theres a good chance that you’ve been unwittingly been buying into the untruth for the solution to all your problems, your ability to call in your needs and heart’s desires lies outside of yourself, in someone else’s hands.

What can you do to change this subversive belief?

You can DECIDE once and for all that you are no longer going to let yourself be distracted by the plethora of ‘mindset’ modalities and teachers clamouring for your attention out there.  That is not to say that there isn’t value in investing in mentorship and support, but the point here is this:

In your life, YOU call the shots.  

The answers to your problems all lie within you and can only be unearthed firstly by cultivating a solid relationship with yourself so that YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

YOU get to take full ownership for your growth and decide, based on your wisdom, what support you most need.  

You too can and are meant to find YOUR OWN WAY.

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