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The Barriers We Build Against Love

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In Brief

  • The Facts:

    As children we needed to be loved. We were entirely dependent on the adults around us, so the way they acted towards us - and each other - has had a big impact on how we show up to love as adults.

  • Reflect On:

    What are some of the barriers you put up that stop you from feeling your own love? At what age were these barriers to love created and why?

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ~ Rumi

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Many people are still looking for their ‘other half’, venturing out on more and more dates, casting the net wider until they find someone to complete them. And when it doesn’t work out just as they planned, they jump back onto their smartphones, ‘unfriend’ the offending partner and swipe themselves another one.

And yet many of us also know that, deep down, another human being is never going to be able to make us whole and that the fairy tale of meeting our Prince/ss Charming is just that – a fairy tale. We understand that true love comes from within and when we love ourselves – fully – only then can we truly love another.

This is great, in theory, because for many of us, self-love stuff is still very much an intellectual concept that we strive to reach in the same way that some people strive to meet someone new when their last relationship hits a wall. Striving for self-love is not the essence of self-love. Discovering the barriers to love may well be what we need.

Barriers to love

Rumi is rumoured to have said that our task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within ourselves that we have built against it. It’s likely that he knew a thing or two about life and love. Self-love can be tricky – sure, we get it, intellectually. We know it’s necessary to “love ourselves” but aside from eating healthier, daily exercise and spending more time doing the things we love, it can be hard to get over that ultimate hurdle.

So what is it that gets in the way? What are these barriers that Rumi speaks of and why are they there at all?

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We all have them. They’re made up of the internal voices that tell us that we “don’t deserve to be loved and happy”. Or that there’s something intrinsically ‘wrong’ with us. That we are somehow ‘broken’ and if anyone actually found out the truth about us they would surely leave us.

These barriers to love are constantly running in the background; a low hum that unconsciously speaks to everything we do, every action (and inaction) we take. Unlike the self-loving ‘apps’ that we consciously choose (weekly yoga sessions, salad and connecting with friends), these barriers form a part of our internal ‘operating system’ and are generally in shadow for us.

What you realize is, we don’t need to go out and love ourselves, we already do, we simply need to take down the barriers blocking that.

We Are Not Born With These Barriers

Not one of us came into this world with pre-erected barriers to love; it’s learned behaviour. We learned them from the adults around us at the time. We might have learned that ‘love’ was scary and shouty, or that if you love someone it should be dramatic. We might have learned that ‘love’ was silent, sulky and certainly not communicated through affection.

What was happening around you as a child has likely informed your decisions about the type of partner you choose as an adult. Repeating patterns are not always pleasant, but they’re certainly familiar.

In addition to how we saw the world and what we learned about love when we were children, we were also extremely vulnerable. Something as subtle as having overly critical or emotionally unavailable parents can have a big impact on who and how you are as an adult. Through little eyes, the world can look like a dangerous place and it’s likely that you employed protection strategies that may have stopped you from getting hurt, emotionally or physically.

Creating a tough outer shell or a sentinel-like vigilance may have been necessary when you were 3 feet tall, but how is that working for you now? How are the protective behavioural patterns you employed as a child serving you in your life as an adult?

In my own life, I have sometimes struggled to connect fully; to really let my partner in. My experience as a child taught me that loving relationships were not easy and they wouldn’t last. So as an adult, it felt safer to never let anyone come too close, in case the same thing happened again.

All the self-loving actions in the world couldn’t compete with my unconscious internal message that love was unsafe and ultimately destined to end.

Whilst it may sound quite depressing; on the contrary, I have found it to be massively empowering. As I now know this about myself, I can make a decision when I feel myself withdrawing, I can choose to come closer and to see this as a pattern that was created many years ago in order to protect me – it’s not who I am. Because of this, I am now so much closer to my current partner.

Discovering your personal barriers to love

It’s taken me many years to discover my own barriers to love and I’m still uncovering more and more layers of the onion each day. There’s no one-size-fits-all when it comes to discovering what’s getting in the way of you and the love you deserve, but there are proven tools and techniques that can help. My most recent ‘ah-ha’ moment came whilst taking part in an online workshop known as the Groundwork.

Collective Evolution readers get 25% off the standard price and you will get to learn more about some of the tools and techniques I used at www.dothegroundwork.com (use the coupon code: collective to get your 25% discount).

When you discover your unique barriers to love, know that you created them a long time ago with your own best interests and safety at heart. Dissolve them with the love they were created with; acknowledging and thanking the little one, that still lives inside you, for being there and for doing the best they could when things got tough.

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Consciousness

Ex-Government Physicist Shares What He Knows About ‘Activating’ ESP (Psi) Dreaming

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In Brief

  • The Facts:

    Dale E. Graff, a physicist and former director of the US government/Stanford remote viewing program shares his knowledge about dreaming, and how we can all experience what he calls 'Psi' dreaming.

  • Reflect On:

    How much have our governments and black budget programs really discovered within these realms? How much is known and why are they keeping t classified?

The most astonishing fact about studies within the realm of parapsychology (Psi) is that they are often shunned by the mainstream media and this comes despite the fact that they have extremely high amounts of credibility within the realms of academia. Parapsychology deals with phenomena like pre-cognition, remote viewing, telepathy, mind matter interaction, and more that fall under the label of extra sensory perception (ESP), and the truth is, there is no reason why these topics should not be studied openly within the mainstream. Why is it that they are ridiculed in that realm, but have been studied at the highest levels of government for decades with high amounts of success and credibility? The US/Stanford University STARGATE project is one of many examples that confirm parapsychology’s legitimacy.

These programs usually run and are funded by the black budget. Find out where trillions of our tax dollars are going here.

Dr. Jessica Utts, the Chair of the Department of Statistics at the University of California, Irvine makes a great point on the show Talking Points, further emphasizes my point.

“What convinced me was just the evidence, the accumulating evidence as I worked in this field and I got to see more and more of the evidence. I visited the laboratories, even beyond where I was working to see what they were doing and I could see that they had really tight controls… and so I got convinced by the good science that I saw being done. And in fact I will say as a statistician I’ve consulted in a lot of different areas of science; the methodology and the controls on these experiments are much tighter than any other area of of science where I’ve worked.” (source)

Based on all of my research into the field of parapsychology, the information seems to be shunned away from in mainstream academia simply because it has an association with superstition, spirituality, metaphysics and ‘magic’. This alone, no matter how strong the evidence and how significant the results when studied in a scientific setting, instantly have closed-minded ‘non-believers’ yell out pseudoscience. There is instant condemnation without investigation and sometimes, “protecting against this possibility sometimes seems more important than encouraging scientific exploration or protecting academic freedom. But this may be changing.” Said Cassandra Vieten, PhD and President/CEO at the Institute of Noetic Sciences (source).

One realm within the topic of parapsychology is the study of our dreams and there is no better person to learn about dreams from than than Dale E. Graff.  Graff is an MS in Physics and a life long investigator of Psi phenomena specializing in a variety of extrasensory perception (ESP) topics including remote viewing and precognitive dreaming. He has a scientific background in the aerospace industries and in technical intelligence assignments for the Department of Defense. He was also a director of the STARGATE program mentioned above.

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In the lecture below, he answers the following questions: What is Psi dreaming? How can individuals experience Psi dreams? How can Psi dreaming be researched and evaluated scientifically? What can we do with Psi dreaming? How can Psi dreaming be understood relative to other forms of Psi, such as remote viewing and some types of intuition?

He provides information about how Psi dreaming is accomplished, and goes into the evidence and investigations that have shown evidence for the reality of Psi dreaming. He talks about how Psi dreaming may occur and provides exercises to assist in dream recall, among other things.

The Takeaway

A great quote that’s often attributed to Nikola Tesla reads as follows, “The day science begins to study non-physical phenomena, it will make more progress in one decade than in all the previous centuries of its existence.”  This is true I believe, just take a look at quantum physics for example, it really opened up the collective mind about non-physical factors of reality and how it may influence material physical reality. It also demonstrated that matter itself, which makes up all of physical reality, is not really physical at all, that it’s mostly comprised of energy. Just look at the atom, the smallest observable piece of matter, it’s what everything else is made up of. An atom is almost all empty space, more than 99 percent of it to be exact. The kicker? That empty space is not useless, and from what we know now, “empty space” is really not “empty” at all. This is why I’ve always stressed the importance in many of my previous articles of this quote from theoretical physicist John Wheeler:

No point is more central than this, that space is not empty, it is the seat of the most violent physics.”

Another great quote from Tesla:

“All perceptible matter comes from a primary substance, or tenuity beyond conception, filling all space, the akasha, or luminiferous ether, which is acted upon by the life-giving Prana or creative force, calling into existence, in never-ending cycles all things and phenomena.” – Nikola Tesla, Man’s Greatest Achievement, 1907

I go into a deeper discussion regarding non-physical reality within this article if you’d like to learn more: Scientists Call Out “Dark Matter” – Have We Been Wrong About It All Along?

The point is, non-physical reality, and the metaphysical world is not limited to philosophy, but it’s been subjected to rigorous investigation and science. The collective mind seems to be opening up quite rapidly, but just as we look back in the past to some concepts now accepted as truth that were once considered blasphemy, it’s important to remember that this type of resistance still exists today.

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Consciousness

How To Stop Self-Sabotage & Get Out Of Your Own Way

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In Brief

  • The Facts:

    While we all have our fair share of obstacles to overcome in life, in many cases, we are the biggest obstacles standing in our way. Thankfully, there are things we can all do to cut back on self-sabotaging behaviour.

  • Reflect On:

    How much am I holding myself back from? What, if anything, am I getting from keeping myself in the state I am in?

Whether or not you consider yourself a creative person, we are all creative powerhouses. Proof of this lies within our minds, which are consistently concocting ideas, scenarios, goals and so much more that all play a prominent role in the life that we live.​

While some of us thrive at making the most of the constructive impulses that come our way, the vast majority of us instead seem to excel at running with those that are instead destructive in nature. We may feel as though we live in a world filled with ruthless competition, but in reality our biggest competitor both operates and exists within us.

“Addiction, self-sabotage, procrastination, laziness, rage, chronic fatigue and depression are all ways that we withhold our full participation in the program of life we are offered. When the conscious mind cannot find a reason to say no, the unconscious says no in its own way.” – Charles Eisenstein, The More Beautiful World Our Hearts Know Is Possible

Here are some of what I’ve found to be the most common ways in which we sabotage ourselves and what we can all do to get out of our own way:

The Problem With Overthinking

One of the most common ways that we sabotage ourselves is by overthinking. Don’t get me wrong, there are a number of situations and scenarios in which reflecting on something extensively is not only beneficial, but often the best course of action. However, the number of times where that is the case is far outweighed by the number of times we opt to overthink.

One second we are excited about a new idea, and within hours, or sometimes minutes, we’ve concretely established three worst case scenarios, two of which have a 0.001% likelihood of ever occurring, and we’ve sold ourselves on the conclusion that we shouldn’t even bother. Sound familiar?

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If overthinking is an issue for you, I recommend that you try adding journaling into your daily life. I personally like to follow the protocol outlined in the infamous book The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron, which encourages you to journal first thing in the morning, but taking any time out of your day to allow your mind to metaphorically dump onto the page can be life-changing. Let yourself write literally anything and everything that comes to mind. It may feel counterproductive at first, but you’d be surprised at how often writing things out can make your thoughts feel heard, allowing you to more easily assess the healthy from the unhealthy and move past those that would have previously sabotaged your creativity.

Cut The Comparison

Another common way in which we frequently self sabotage is through comparison, especially in our social media driven world where measuring ourselves against others has never been more prevalent. With a couple of swipes and scrolls we can easily compare ourselves to hundreds of other people, most of which are portraying themselves and their lives inaccurately.

If comparison is your “Achilles heel”, there are two things you can do: 1) cut back on how much time you spend on social media, and 2) actively challenge yourself to celebrate rather than compare yourself to the accomplishments of others.

For example, I could very easily look at the work of someone like Jay Shetty–whose content falls largely under a similar umbrella to mine–and see that it’s being seen by millions of people compared to the thousands that mine is typically consumed by, and allow myself to get down because of that. Or I can alternatively look at his accomplishments, including his recent appearance on The Ellen Show–a longtime goal of mine–and instead be happy for him, seeing his success as living proof that there is an audience for this content.

Sorry, I Was Distracted

A third lesser-known way in which we sabotage ourselves, occasionally even subconsciously, is through distraction. Rather than taking immediate action or even the smallest of steps to further establish the healthy neural pathway that is trying to form, we closet that creativity by opting to distract ourselves from listening to it.

Common ways that we do this include picking up our phones and checking social media, or using our fatigue to justify sitting on the couch and watching some TV, both of which always provide more than enough content for us to engage with in a far less creative manner.

If distraction is your self sabotage speciality, consider setting aside set periods each day where you do not allow yourself to engage with any form of technology. Whether you opt to read a book, meditate or spend some time out in nature, give your mind the daily opportunity to reacclimatize to what that experience feels like, and you may be pleasantly surprised by what it leads to.


For more brutally honest personal development content designed for those who actually want to change be sure to subscribe to my YouTube Channel and to follow me on Instagram. And to receive my free eBook on 5 Simple Daily Hacks For A Genuinely Happier Life click HERE.

Article originally written for and published by Ideapod.

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The demand for Collective Evolution's content is bigger than ever, except ad agencies and social media keep cutting our revenues. This is making it hard for us to continue.

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Consciousness

My 3 Weeks Listening To Only 1 Song & What I Learned About Focus

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In Brief

  • The Facts:

    Music impacts us in more ways than we likely think. It turns out that purposely listening to a single song or playlist could work wonders when it comes to creativity and focus.

  • Reflect On:

    What music do you regularly listen to, especially as you work? Pay attention to how every song you listen to makes you feel both during and after playing it.

In the name of personal development and health, I’ve always been someone who has enjoyed challenging myself and trying new things. And while you think that I would have logically taken at least a bit of a break after recently going 400+ days without candy (read about that HERE), I opted to instead jump immediately into my next adventure.

This time I challenged myself, an avid lover of music, to only be able to listen to one song of my choosing for what turned out to be three straight weeks.

While the idea behind this may sound crazy to many of you, I’m not the first one to do it. In fact, my inspiration stemmed from the bestselling book Tools of Titans: The Tactics, Routines, and Habits of Billionaires, Icons, and World-Class Performers by infamous life-hacker Tim Ferriss. In one of the many sections that the book is broken into, Tim reveals that a number of prominent individuals have purposely chosen to listen to just one song or soundtrack on repeat while working on a given project.

Free solo climbing phenom Alex Honnold, the lead developer of WordPress Matt Mullenweg, and female obstacle course racer Amelia Boone are just 3 of the many examples that the book outlines.

Currently having a lot on my creative plate, in addition to running my company, I decided to try it out. The song I chose was ‘Time’ by Hans Zimmer, a song most infamously known for its place on the Inception Soundtrack.

Now, I will fully admit that this was not the only song that I heard over the course of these three weeks, since I opted to: A) not shut myself out from the rest of the world to ensure this was possible, and B) not be the person who approached the employees of every public venue I went to requesting that they change their current playlist for a classical song on repeat. But aside from those times, it was all that I heard.

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I listened to it while working, driving, working out, cooking and more. Here are some of my key takeaways:

The Song Never Got Old

The most surprising takeaway for me from this entire experience was that I can honestly say that I never got tired of listening to the song I chose. According to my iTunes, as of the moment I am writing this sentence, the song has been played a whopping 473 times and to be honest I wouldn’t mind hearing it right now.

It Becomes A Form Of Musical Meditation

In my experience, having the same song play on repeat allowed it to become a form of musical meditation. My mind always knew what to expect and it was able to coast on autopilot to that expectation while focusing on whatever primary activity I was engaging in at the time.

As someone whose musical taste is typically quite eclectic to say the least, having a level playing field was honestly a pleasant experience. Not to mention I didn’t waste any time or lose focus by frequently searching for or skipping songs as I normally would.

Song Choice Is Critical

As much as I love ‘Time’ by Hans Zimmer, no part of me would have listed it as my favorite song of all-time prior to this experience (and for the record it still isn’t). That being said, for these purposes it was exactly what I needed.

I’m not suggesting that we should all listen to the same song that I did, but to instead make our selection based on what we know is most likely to work with us. In my case, I knew that only something in the classical realm with no lyrics stood a chance at being the only song played for more than 24 hours.

Ultimately, if you have something to focus on, I highly suggest trying this out. I personally enjoyed it so much that not only did the initial challenge evolve from what was supposed to be one week into three weeks, but I am also still listening to it whenever I need to focus on a specific task at hand (such as writing my book). I allow myself to listen to the other music I love whenever I find myself doing things that don’t require so much of my attention, but when it comes to locking in, Hans Zimmer’s Time is my anthem!


For more brutally honest personal development content designed for those who actually want to change be sure to subscribe to my YouTube Channel and to follow me on Instagram. And to receive my free eBook on 5 Simple Daily Hacks For A Genuinely Happier Life click HERE.

Help Support Collective Evolution

The demand for Collective Evolution's content is bigger than ever, except ad agencies and social media keep cutting our revenues. This is making it hard for us to continue.

In order to stay truly independent, we need your help. We are not going to put up paywalls on this website, as we want to get our info out far and wide. For as little as $3 a month, you can help keep CE alive!

SUPPORT CE HERE!

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